I became a mother at the age of 16. My beautiful little girl. The most amazing day of my life. Even though I was just a baby myself, I was a proud mama. Fast forward to 18 years of age. I was a good mom, then I moved out on my own. I was a hard worker, but I was in a low-income housing situation. Some of my neighbors were edgy, fun and made me feel like I could act my age and still be the parent I was. HA! WRONG!! I took my first hit off a meth pipe that year, and that was it for me. I have never felt that feeling before. I had energy. I felt amazing. My house was clean. I was happy.
November 8, 2001 – seven days after my 21st birthday, my parents took custody of my baby girl. After this, I was on a one-way road to self-destruction. I lost my child, my place of residence. My close friends and family were done with me.
I found out I was pregnant with my second daughter – however – I was 6 months along when I found out. I had been using that WHOLE TIME. The day I found out, was the hardest day. I had a decision to make. Chances are this poor baby was going to be born with issues. What am I going to do? I can’t handle a special needs child. I can’t provide for a child period. So I found an adoption agency and got the ball rolling on that process. I also got clean. Cold Turkey. I was determined to give her a chance. However small it may have been.
There are so many lessons I have learned as a result. You can’t trust yourself when you are in the throes of an addiction. Your mind plays tricks on you. Your emotions lie to you. You can’t do it alone. My advice is to reach out to someone you do trust. Someone who you respect. Someone who won’t BS you.
I have been clean since 12/17/2003. Best 12 years of my life, hardest 12 years of my life. But I have a happy, healthy 12-year-old daughter (yes, I kept her and she is perfect, thank you GOD!) I struggle from time to time, and I own the fact that I love methamphetamine. I also own the fact that I hate methamphetamine. I love myself more now. I know my limits, even socially. I don’t think I am strong enough to be around people who do the drug and because I know that, and know my limits, I am successfully coming up on 13 years clean.
Don’t give up. If you fall, get back up and try again. Please. You are loved.