- Friends & Family
- Mental Health
Submitted by: Susan Beckett
I grew up as a kid feeling kind of lost and out of place. My dad was an active alcoholic, so I moved around a lot. As a family we were always looking for geographical cures. This helped me to be able to adapt to any social situation, but it left me feeling isolated and alone. Not ever having a permanent home or long lasting friends caused me to feel like an outcast, or misfit in society. Booze and drugs solved that, though. I started from a young age and quickly realized that this was my solution to all my internal feeling of inadequacy. Drugs and alcohol were never my problem, they were my solution. My problem was living life on life’s terms and feeling comfortable in my own skin. When I found my solution I remember thinking “Wow! This is great! Why don’t more people know about this?” I had found the secret key to living life.
My solution worked for many years and I could feel mildly content most of the time. Eventually, though, I started having consequences for my life style. Psyche wards, jails and park benches were just a few. I didn’t care, though. As far as I was concerned my answer still worked great. Until the day came when it didn’t anymore. My problems began to get worse and worse. My environmental circumstances have been terrible and great, from park bench to park place, but none of that kept me drunk or got me sober. It was my internal struggle that became a problem again. I hated everyone, but not more than I hated myself. I had a constant sense of impending doom hanging over my head because I knew that my glass house was going to come crashing down at some point. More than anything, though, I felt alone all the time. I could be standing in a public square full of people and I still was overcome by crippling loneliness. There wasn’t enough drugs, booze, or hours in the day to consume them that could change my feelings anymore.
It all came to a head when I was arrested, again, for some really bad stuff I had been getting into. I was stripped of my clothing and left in my tiny concrete box to await my fate. A beautiful thing happened in that jail cell. I believe that a God found me laying on that metal slab. Instead of feeling afraid or self-pity, I felt relief. It was the first time in a long while I could relax and let go. I could surrender. What an amazing gift desperation is. By my release I had made a decision to seek a better life for myself.
I have been truly blessed in my sobriety and now have a life worth living. Life is still a struggle at times, but I now have tools to help me deal with it and a whole fellowship of people beside me willing to go to any lengths to help me stay sober, as long as I want it. I never have to be alone again. I have found that anyone can stay sober if they trust God, clean house and help others. God is constantly disclosing new and incredible things to me on a daily basis. Life isn’t a coffin anymore. It’s an opportunity for beauty, faith and love. God is doing for me what I can’t do for myself. I have found a new solution.