- Drugs
From the first time I can remember, I knew there was something different about me and how I responded to life and its situations. I grew up in a traditional alcoholic/addict family. My genetic tree is full of addictions and compulsions that I have had to face throughout my existence. The catalyst to my using was my father and the pain that I endured when he passed away from an overdose. I was 15 years old and full of hate and pain. I had nowhere to go with that pain, so I stuffed it down and found something to help soothe my emotional distress.
After seven long years of abusing myself in ways that one wouldn’t even think of, I decided to get help (of course with encouragement from my family). Like a true meth addict, after entering treatment I couldn’t stand the fear and emotion of not knowing whether I would succeed or not at sobriety. I left like most of us do in that fight-or-flight mode. I thought that my family would let me back into their home with open arms, but my family stated, “No more,” and kicked me out of the house. I spent some time living out of my car on the streets, barely surviving, not sleeping, not eating. This was no way to live. Finally when I had burned all of my bridges and had no money and nowhere else to turn, I headed back to treatment.
I was originally only supposed to stay 28 days. I thought that would be a piece of cake, but I was clever and manipulative enough to get drugs in and relapse. I vividly remember using meth in the bathroom while there was a 12-step meeting going on with people who really wanted to stay sober. After taking a line of meth, something changed within me. This was my “rock bottom,” as they say. Was I so sick and obsessed with altering my mind that I used while in treatment? Did I have such a compulsion to use that I put other people in jeopardy? Was it finally time to let go and let God? The answer to all of these questions was an overwhelming, “Yes!” I was finally ready.
From that point on, I have humbled myself each day, given grace and been of service to others in need. I am accountable for all my actions and am making amends where due. I am an active participant in my family’s life, and I maintain my serenity on a daily basis. Is it hard? Yes! But it gets easier over time and with great people around you. Most importantly I follow direction and give thanks to my higher power who has been instrumental in my recovery process. I am eight years clean, December 2014.