- Drugs
- Friends & Family
Submitted by: Nadine Herring
It is my great pleasure to share this interview with my friend Rose M. aka Midwestern Mama and founder of the amazing blog Our Young Addicts!
I met Rose last year through online Twitter chats about addiction and recovery, and as a fellow family member dealing with addiction, I was immediately impressed and inspired with her knowledge, generous spirit, warm personality, and advocacy in speaking out for families and their need for inclusion in recovery treatment.
As a new family addiction advocate, Rose was incredibly encouraging and supportive in helping me find my voice in the addiction community, sharing her knowledge with me, as well as allowing me the honor of guest posting on her blog. I could write an entire post on how amazing this woman is, but I will let you find that out for yourself as you read her story!
How long has your loved one been on their recovery journey? Are you in recovery?
My 23-year-old son has been in recovery since July 2014 following a drug addiction that began during the latter part of his high school years. When things were becoming particularly chaotic and scary with my son in early 2011 – the start of his freshman year at college – I realized I needed to get some help for myself. I found a therapist who specializes in addiction and this led me on a recovery path of my own.
What is the biggest positive change you have seen in their life since then?
Since then, I’ve been able to put my son’s addiction struggle into perspective – to better help him, my family and myself. The recovery thought process and exploration has been transformative and rewarding. The biggest positive change in my life has been the resilience and resolve to move forward with positivity and gratitude regardless of circumstance; this was always my operating mode, but my son’s addiction had begun to overshadow everything else and I knew I needed to find my way forward.
The biggest positive change I’ve seen in my son’s life since then is that he realized we loved him no matter what, would support him without enabling, and that our lives would move forward regardless of the addiction-gripped choices he was making. At the time, I think this annoyed him – even angered him; but now in his own recovery, I believe he realizes it built formidable foundation for his future. We were always there ready for when he was ready.
What led to their need for recovery (from substance abuse or some other issue)? Your need for recovery from their disease?
After several years of increasingly difficult situations for our son (almost not graduating from high school, passing out in the snow in subzero temperatures the first weekend at college and ending up in the ER and detox, losing his student-housing privileges, dropping out of college, becoming homeless, sofa surfing, accumulating debt, losing friends, suffering from depression and anxiety, etc.), he reached a point when he knew that he was addicted to opiates, in particular. He no longer wanted to sofa surf from high to high; he no longer justified using and he recognized dependence on substances and that these did not make him or his life better. Up to this point, he had attended some treatment programs but he didn’t really believe that he had a problem and was not ready to stop using. He had been blaming everyone else for his situation, was stubborn and resistant.
My need for recovery came much earlier. After a year or so of trying to figure out what was going on with my son, recognizing it as addiction, trying to get him help, dealing with lies, stealing and manipulative behavior, worrying about his well-being and realizing that he was at risk of dying, I was frazzled. I knew that I needed to take care of myself. That’s why I found a therapist who was well versed in addiction and recovery.
What was the turning point for them and your understanding of what this was?
There were a number of turning points, but each one was short lived. We would get our hopes up that he was ready to stop using, that he was ready for a happier and healthier life – then he would go right back to his addiction lifestyle.
Shortly before Thanksgiving 2013, he decided – on his own – that he would go to treatment again and slowly but surely made all the arrangements. It was first time he was honest with us about his heroin and opiate use, although we already knew. A few weeks in, we was starting to look and feel better, and we were so proud; however, when he got out of treatment after nearly 60 days we could tell he was just going through the motions and that he was “just being good” until he completed the after-care program. Shortly thereafter he relapsed terribly – was homeless again, sofa surfing, using, getting caught up in scams, and depression was setting in.
Around this time, most of his childhood friends were graduating from college and getting their big-boy jobs or heading to graduate school. I think this was an eye opener to see how quickly the college years had passed, how others had grown, matured and begun an important transition to independence and adulthood. He could see how differently his life was turning out – all from a few decisions to smoke weed in high school and progress to heroin. Like anyone with addiction, he didn’t plan to become addicted – it just happened, quickly and without much warning.
At this point, we were truly scared. We thought he would overdose and die any day now and began preparing as best anyone can for unfortunate, tragic news. We also knew we wanted to stay proactive in encouraging him to back to treatment. Family and friends (even our dog!) rallied through a professional intervention. He said, “Thanks. I know I need to change, to stop using, but today is not the day.” He was touched by how much we all cared, and he was surprised at how united we were. Yet, he continued to use.
About a month later, as his life continued to deteriorate, my husband and I recognized the fragility of the situation and began encouraging him to spend time at home, even spend the night. We knew he needed good food, a safe place to sleep, a shower, and family time. How could he ever make a decision to recover when he was in survival mode to just stay alive? He started sleeping at home – long, deep sleep. Then he’d shower, eat and head out, sometimes for days. Then he’d come back and do it again.
Just after the Fourth of July 2014, he showed up one evening when my husband and I were out for dinner. He’d been missing for a few days and we were beginning to question if this was becoming a revolving door. When we got home, we broached the subject and amid the conversation he began nodding off. He had no idea we were talking to him, no idea what we were saying. He was high, and with hindsight and education I now realize he was potentially overdosing. We stopped talking as he fell asleep.
The next morning he asked me what he was supposed to do. I handed him a sheet of paper with the names and numbers of three places that “met his criteria” and said he needed to contact them by end of day and make plan to move forward because none of us could continue the way it was. He came the office with me that day and slept for most of it. Late in the afternoon, he finally made some calls. One place asked if he could meet the next morning. He hesitated, but said yes.
That was the true turning point. We went to the treatment center and it met all “his” criteria: it was HIOP (high intensity outpatient); opiate focused with medication assisted treatment (MAT) – specifically, Suboxone; was not 12-step focused or faith based; offered dual diagnosis services (chemical dependency and mental health). That was July 11, 2014.
Things started to turn around. There was a different feel to it this time. I moved from hoping to believing, and he did, too. A few months in, I asked him what made this program better than the others. He said it was a good program – patient focused and respectful, but moreover, it was the first time that he wanted to change and realized that he did not want to go back to the addiction lifestyle.
What is one important truth you’ve learned through the process?
Just one truth? There are so many!
The hardest truth was that our son’s addiction wasn’t going to end until he was ready. In spite of prevention-oriented parenting and “doing all the right things” during his addiction, it didn’t matter that we were ready long before he was ready. With hindsight, this was the most liberating truth, but not one we came to for what seemed like eons.
The most important truth was that regardless of his situation and while it would always be front and center in our minds (not a day went by that we didn’t try to understand it and deal with it), was that we had to move forward and tend to our own lives – the other kids, our jobs, our marriage, ourselves. This truth allowed us to embrace gratitude, patience and serenity even during trying times.
What are you most proud of about their life today? What is your life like after your loved one addressed their addiction?
I am most proud of my son’s progress in recovery and happy that he is feeling so much better about himself and his future. He is back in college – paying his own tuition!; working part time; living at home; eating well and going to the gym to work out; having fun with his younger brother and older sister; and enjoying all kinds of adventures with the family dog. While my son openly acknowledges his addiction and recovery, he does not let it define him. Instead he’s living forward and I am most proud of that!
Since my son has addressed addiction with commitment and success, I have an even stronger resolve to create an engaged, supportive community of parents and professionals concerned about alcohol and drug use among young adults. The mission of Our Young Addicts is to share experiences, provide resources and instill hope no matter where a young person may be: experimentation, use, addiction, treatment, relapse, or recovery. Addiction is a journey no one expects to take; because of this, the journey is best taken with knowledge and connection. Learn as much as you can and reach out to others who can help – other parents as well as professionals.
What is one of your biggest struggles in their ongoing recovery? How do you overcome that?
Early on, the biggest struggle with my son’s recovery was finding a balance between being supportive while letting him direct and manage things for himself. We overcame this by talking things through, offering our opinion or insights – if asked, and giving him the latitude to make his own decisions and live with the outcomes.
These days, there are few struggles, so the focus is more on keeping this experience in perspective and letting it guide and prompt the development of Our Young Addicts. Also, as our youngest kid progresses through high school, we are sensitive to the vulnerabilities that young people face and really encourage other parents to be proactive if they have any concerns whatsoever. This has prompted me to be active in our community and school district to host a series of parent-awareness events that educate about substance use, point them toward available resources and encourage them to make connections with other parents and adults of influence.
What part of your life do you find most satisfying since they chose recovery?
Without hesitation, it’s being able to trust him and believe in him. Addiction robbed him of honesty and potential. Recovery has restored these. I no longer worry. I no longer second guess. I no longer wonder if he’s telling the truth about his whereabouts and activities. I no longer hide my purse. I no longer fear getting the dreaded call about overdose. I enjoy today and look forward to tomorrow.
Is there a truth or piece of advice you have learned from your loved one in recovery? Something you have learned through their process?
Through my son’s experience, I learned that we can’t always predict or even anticipate where life might take us. Rather, what we can do is navigate what comes our way and determine how we will deal with it. I also learned that EVERYONE has something they are dealing with, so we shouldn’t assume or judge. I was also reminded on the value of patience – when to let things go and when to make things happen.
What would you tell a loved one that is dealing with a situation where they know a family member needs recovery but they are afraid he/she does not want it?
It is highly likely that your loved one will deny a problem with substance use and thus be resistant to recovery, so those early conversations may fall on deaf ears or even escalate into arguments no matter how well intentioned. Do not let this prevent you from sharing your observations and listening to their point of view. It can take a long time before a person decides they need to stop using and wants to recover. It may also take a long time before they are able to fully embrace recovery – sometimes it takes more than one attempt. My best piece of advice is to never give up and to keep letting your loved one know that you are concerned, are ready to help, and will always love them but that you are going to move forward with your own life by not getting caught up in their drama or consequences. After educating yourself and finding a support system, let them know the boundaries and then be true to these. In time, they will find their own path forward, too, and you’ll be right there ready to cheer them on from the sidelines.