- Alcohol
- Friends & Family
- Mental Health
Drinking started for me in my early teens, followed by smoking pot at age 15. At age 18, my life turned around as I was involved in an accidental shooting in which I killed a good friend of mine. There were no drugs or alcohol involved in this accident and it was not my fault, but I felt guilty for it, felt responsible. I was intoxicated for many, many years after that, trying to forget what happened. I used other, harder drugs during this time as well, not knowing how to cope with this accident.
A friend of mine, a veteran, had an incident during his time in Vietnam, where he also accidentally killed a friend. I asked him how he dealt with this and was hoping to find help and relief through his advice. He introduced me to methamphetamine and similar drugs. Years followed where I was only drinking and using speed. I never slept, I just occasionally passed out for a few hours. As soon as I came to, I went right back to it staying awake and intoxicated often for periods of four days or more.
My parents both did not drink or drug, although both sides of the family have alcoholics in it. My sister did not get the disease of addiction, I got more than both of our share. When I was about 32 years of age I developed serious mental problems. I went to several mental hospitals to get help, but things were not getting better. I heard voices all the time and even I could keep my job at the farm during all this time. My life was unmanageable. At the age of 38, I got into some legal trouble. I got into trouble every time I left the house, it seems. Three different court cases in three different counties were hanging over my head at some time. The judge told me that I’m not a bad person, that I’m a sick person.
I tried multiple times to stop drinking and the drugs, but the longer I stopped the louder the voices in my head became and the worse my hallucinations. I was not getting a psychosis on drugs, I was getting it every time I tried to quit. It was not too bad while I was drinking, but became intolerable when I had no alcohol in my system. I was confused. My family was telling me that everything would be fine if I would just stop, but if I did it actually got worse than ever. If I would have been able to drink just a little bit, it would have been okay, but I could not stop once I started.
The judge now put an ankle bracelet on me, which only allowed me to go to work, to church and to meetings. I didn’t know anything about 12-step meetings and so I left it at home-work-church. The next time I went to court I was a lunatic. I was sitting in court and even looking behind me as the judge talked to me. I was hearing voices and wondered who he is talking to and thought other people were talking to me from behind me. It was bad. The judge asked me if I was on drugs, but I wasn’t. My head was so messed up. He told me that I need to go to 12-step meetings. They put me in the drug court program with mandatory meetings. That’s how my recovery started.
It took over a year before I could start to work the steps of the program. My head was so confused that I could not read or write, I didn’t understand what I heard or read. My psychiatrist told me that I don’t think, I just react. I just do anything that makes the pain stop. I used to have a half of an incomplete thought before I reacted in any given situation. My problem to comprehend anything I read lead me to my sponsor, who patiently took time to go through everything with me and explained me all and everything about the 12 steps very easily and simply. This way it made perfect sense to me and I could work the 12 steps in the next year with him.
I started to see at about the two-year mark of sobriety how much it was really helping me and I went to meetings every day, most days, up to two meetings a day. I still do this today with several years of recovery. I still sometimes hear voices, but I can control it today. I stay optimistic and try to keep any negative stuff out of my head. Years ago I couldn’t stand anybody else around me, couldn’t stand myself, and was isolating. Today I am very happy with all the friends I found through the fellowship of the 12-step program and enjoy being around them.
Recovery was not easy for me. I had to put a lot of effort into it, but it can be done if you want it. It is still easier than permanently chasing all the other stuff out there. I had no life at all then; today I have a life.