- Drugs
I grew up in a city outside of Boston called Worcester, Massachusetts. On the outside, my life looked very normal. Both my parents worked hard and my older brother and I were given everything we needed and wanted.
Even though everything appeared normal, at a young age I had some hidden secrets from my parents. I had been sexually abused and was living with this secret– feeling shameful and disgusting and not wanting anyone to know. I had terrible anxiety and would battle my mother to not have to go to school.
My mother started sending me to therapists and psychiatrists who put me at a very young age on benzos and anti-depressants. Along with my medications, I started drinking and smoking weed with friends. I was only eleven years old. The only time I felt ok was when I was on my medication, drunk or high. I was numb.
When I wasn’t medicated I was very angry and aggressive and was soon put on a CHINS (Child in Need of Services) plan through the juvenile court system. I was thirteen years old and even at that age my life was continuing to spin more and more out of control. I couldn’t pass a drug test and would refuse to go to school.
My parents did not know what to do and I was put in my first treatment center at 14. That was my first introduction to a recovery program and I did not think I had a problem. At that point I was drinking, smoking weed and taking Xanax and Klonopin. I did not think it was an issue.
After leaving that program things got worse. I continued to use and my using got worse. I bounced in and out of treatment from the ages 14 to 18. In that time I dropped out of high school. Because my using got worse, my family had kicked me out. I had been to every treatment center in the Central Massachusetts area, both inpatient and outpatient. I was a young girl running around streets I had no business being on, now using substances like crack cocaine and heroin. I just wanted to die. I had no dreams or hopes. I thought the only way out was if I was to die.
Two weeks before my 18th birthday I was brought into court by my mother. They had told me I was going to be getting off probation. When they handed me the urine cup I knew I wasn’t leaving that court house on my own. I failed another drug test which was nothing new and was given the option to go to treatment willingly or be sectioned to Framingham state prison.
I took the treatment option. I had no intention of staying sober. I was so used to being in treatment for a couple days or weeks then going back to what I was doing before. For whatever reason, I stayed in treatment that time. I even waited for further treatment. There were no more places for me to go to in Worcester so I looked at a house in South Boston. It is a girls’ halfway house for ages 16 to 22.
Once I eventually made it to the halfway house, after two and a half months of waiting, I never would have thought that was just the beginning of my journey. I started dealing with issues from my childhood in intensive therapy. I learned how to apply for jobs and communicate in a healthy way with other people. There were so many things that I did not know how to do because for the majority of my adolescence I was high or in some type of institution.
I truly believe the Grace of God entered my Life. God just kept putting more and more people in my path that showed me the way when I didn’t have a clue. My sobriety date is February 18th, 2011. That is the day I began participating in my life.
Since that day I have gained so much. It would take my days to write it all down. Some of the most important things though I will write. I have restored a healthy relationship with my family. They are so proud of me and grateful for recovery. They have been able to move forward with their lives since I have. I am, at 21 years old, completely self-supporting. I work full time, school part time. I pay for an apartment, car and all other expenses. I manage to get to meetings for a 12-step program at least five nights a week. I also am privileged to now work one night a week at the same halfway house. This past year I was able to run the 2014 Boston Marathon. It was one of the most incredible experiences I have ever had. I’ve been able to travel all over the country and outside of it.
I live a very full life today. I have dreams and aspirations. I set goals and usually am pretty successful when I follow through with them. Today I honestly believe I went through what I did so I can help others who may face the same thing, or to prevent others from having to go down the path that I did. Life is not perfect by any means, but I am truly blessed and would not change what I have been through because those things are what have made me the young woman I am today.