- Alcohol
- Drugs
- Faith
I came from a wealthy but dysfunctional family with an alcoholic mother, and I was abused by both parents. This put me on a path of self-hatred and self-loathing as I did not have the coping skills to deal with this pain. I started drinking at an early age with my first blackout coming at age 18. I was a successful drinker for years, but by age 25 my social drinking and drugging became a daily affair. By then I was married with two children. After unsuccessfully “attempting” to quit a number of times, my wife asked me to leave. After many months of daily drunkenness, I reached a point where I loathed the person I saw in the mirror, for he had no self-control or respect for him or others and was completely without morals or dignity.
I had been exposed to support groups when my mother was sober for a number of years. Although I attended a few meetings, it seemed to have little effect as I was only making a half-hearted attempt. Finally the self-hatred became so bad I was starting to contemplate suicide. I lay on the bed one night and decided if I rolled left I would commit suicide, if I turned right I would try this all over again. I did not care which path I took. I had reached a point of hopeless depravity. For reasons I never understood, I rolled to the right that night.
I had been to a treatment facility in April, 1981, but I merely changed from drinking to using drugs and then went back again to alcohol. In August, 1981 I returned to the treatment facility and begged to be readmitted. The head of the program reminded me I did not qualify to be readmitted. After some deliberation he decided to give me another chance. That was August 9, 1981, and I have not had a mood or mind altering substance since that day.
I could not recover until I was absolutely, positively convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was defeated by alcohol and that I could never again take any substance that altered my mood. My advice is to be determined. No matter what, be determined. Let nothing get in your way to sobriety. I think support groups and service work early in sobriety help keep you away from temptation.
I started this journey on August 9, 1981, with nothing as I was a low-bottom drunk. Prior to that date, I was house-sitting for someone and had no place to go when the owners returned. Since then I completed a master’s degree and doctorate in education, spent 14 years at a Fortune 500 corporation, was a college professor and currently teach public school as my job in retirement. In recovery I’ve been divorced twice (the first marriage lasted 11 years, the second marriage lasted 31 years), lost a child, endured the normal problems people face raising children and can now end my working career with a nice retirement. I owe everything I have to group support and the lessons I’ve learned. They taught me how to live and function in the world.