- Alcohol
- Drugs
- Other Addictions
Submitted by: Susanne Johnson
My addiction first manifested as an eating disorder when I was about nine years old. At age 12, the first substance I took was alcohol. I didn’t take the first drink with any intention to self-medicate or assist my eating disorder, but when I had my first experience, I immediately loved the way it felt. It shut my overactive brain off, and I felt calm. By the time I completed eighth grade, cocaine and Adderall entered the addiction mix, further complicating my eating disorder.
During high school and college, alcohol took the lead again. There were times in college where drugs became rampant, but alcohol was always my drug of choice (or drug of destruction, as I call it) By only age 16, substance use was no longer a choice.
My eating disorder has always been with me, and is something I still work on at times.
It went through a cycle through my life. I grew up with MTV and saw how I wanted my body to look, and I learned about restricting food. It was followed by periods of purging or crash diets, and back to restricting. Eat and purge, binge, binge and purge, then back to restricting.
I grew up in an awesome family in Iowa. My parents were aware of my problems. We had everything we needed and wanted, financially and emotionally. My parents have been married for decades; there was no alcoholism or addiction in my home. I even have two younger brothers that have no problems with addiction at all.
Although I began therapy around age 12, it didn’t work, because I wasn’t honest. By age 14, I entered an adolescent inpatient treatment center, as my family tried to help me with my combination of eating disorder and drinking. At that point in time, I wasn’t willing to do anything different in my life. I stayed in therapy all through high school; I even completed a couple of runs at an outpatient facility.
Nothing brought me relief. Obviously nothing worked because I wasn’t willing. Later, as an adult, I attended an outpatient treatment program and the treatment team suggested that I needed a long-term stay. That is how I came to Florida, where I still live today.
I wasn’t in denial during all of these unsuccessful trials. I was fully aware that I had a problem. At age 16, I experienced a blackout on New Year’s Eve. I woke up and had no idea what happened and it scared me so much. Unfortunately, my first reaction was to drink more. The fear, the humiliation, and the embarrassment all-together made me want to forget that blackout, so I drank to forget the outcome of my drinking. That is the insanity of alcoholism.
Before things got completely out of control, I was really involved with sports. It was the hardest for me to give up softball as I was unable to continue playing. I was afraid to tell anyone how bad it all was during high school. I was afraid to be sent to an alternative school.
In 2011, I came to Florida at age 23 to residential treatment. At first I listened, but didn’t take it seriously enough. I relapsed multiple times. That time my parents decided to attend Al-Anon meetings, and stopped coming to my rescue. That time they didn’t retract their boundaries and didn’t send me money as always before.
I ran away from the treatment facility again, and with no financial help from home, I was on my own. That night, many bad things happened to me, and that experience propelled me to my personal bottom. I went back to my hotel room, talked to the cops, and as I looked in the mirror I didn’t even recognize myself.
I felt like I had the best life growing up. I was smart, I was a good friend, I was a good daughter, and at that moment I realized that I wasn’t that person anymore. My regret led me to call the treatment center again that next morning. I asked them if they could take me back, and they did.
I haven’t relapsed since that day. I believe the reason I have been so successful was that I had access to an entire recovery curriculum. I went to primary care for 48 days, then to a recovery residence and IOP, which was still on-site. I was in that residence for about 18 months total. I kicked and screamed at first, but committed to a year there. Once I saw it was working, I decided to stay longer. I talked to my sponsor every day, went to meetings every day, and was highly involved in my 12-step-fellowship.
At one point in life, I thought I could never go back to school. I had a 1.2 GPA. I was working at an ice cream store and felt like such a loser. I went to community college. I knew that something more could come out of my life. I knew that I could do more than dream of only being a manager of an ice cream store.
My ability to go back to school and get a second chance wasn’t something I wanted to throw away again. I graduated with highest honors. At first, University of Miami wouldn’t accept me because of my record. After I wrote an essay about my addiction and recovery, I was accepted. While I was there, I started the on-campus collegiate recovery program, which is still going today. I studied psychology and minored in health management and policy.
If you are interested in higher education and need support in your recovery, find some info here: www.collegiaterecovery.org.
During college, I worked for a recovery treatment program. After graduation, I picked up more advocacy commitments, like being the chapter leader for Young People in Recovery Miami, for the Miami-Dade Opioid Task Force, and the Palm Beach County Sober Home Task Force.
In February of 2016, I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. I had surgeries and radiation, and then had to start radiation again, since it’s spreading. The support I have allowed me to go through my treatments without narcotic painkillers, keep my spirit bright. I am grateful for my support network.
I came here with one suitcase and a 1.2 GPA, addicted to substances. Today I’m a graduate of a private university, I have a beautiful 2-bedroom apartment, a job I love, and all as the result of my recovery, putting one foot in front of the other, and never giving up. I talk to my parents almost daily. I get along very well with my brothers today.
The conversations have changed and the life of my parents has changed as well. They are not afraid to go on vacations anymore. They even got a new mattress once I achieved two years sober. They were not sleeping well before that anyway, so it didn’t matter. Now it does. Even that doesn’t mean a lot to most people, but it means a lot to me.
I love to go to the gym and even play slow-pitch softball again. I walked off the softball field in my earlier life. I thought I might have a seizure after a game and had to decide between softball and alcohol and picked the alcohol. What alcohol took away from me, recovery is giving me back.