- Drugs
- Friends & Family
As you hold your first newborn child in your arms, there is nothing that can prepare for you for the overwhelming feeling of love that hits you like a ton of bricks. Yes, you love your spouse, your parents, grandparents, siblings and friends but it was nothing like this. You know in that moment, there is nothing in this world that you would not do to protect your child from harm.
As life goes on, his personality develops and you see your son growing into a beautiful, warm, affectionate and loving little boy. Always there with a smile and a hug, he brought you joy each and every day. There was also a very adventurous side to him – one that needed to explore the world outside of the lines. He had a determination to do things his way – where, when, and how he wanted to. As much as we wanted to show him the right and safe path, he had to go down the road for himself to see what was there – it was hard to convince him otherwise.
When our son Jeremy was not much more than one year old, he climbed out of his crib, out the doggie door and into the street. At the age of 3 his grandmother saw him playing carelessly with a cup of water. As she directed him to be careful and not drop it lest it spill or break the glass, he gave a smirk and let it go. At the age of 8, after asking permission and being told no, he stuck an earring in his ear to pierce it himself. He dyed his hair at 9, got the first of many tattoos at 15 (this one of his just passed grandmother’s initials) and had his first altercation with the law at age 16.
Jeremy always pushed the envelope, he had to feel the fire and he had to explore. There was no holding him back. He was going on a journey that was singularly his but not unlike those of so many other kids in the suburban enclaves of Atlanta.
He was involved in sports for most of his young life. When he reached middle school, his attention turned to riskier pursuits. It was at this age he was introduced to a world more dangerous than a parent would hope for.
In his senior year of high school Jeremy was slowly diving into a downward spiral. We saw him less and less, he was becoming more and more belligerent, his grades were dropping, he was getting very skinny and we were getting very scared. We knew something was wrong and we knew we had to help him but did not know what we could or should do. We reached out to others for guidance. He was about to turn 18 and we felt we needed to make a drastic attempt to save his life. With the holidays approaching, we knew there was one night he was going to be home – Christmas Eve. That night we made one of the hardest decisions we ever had to make. After Jeremy went to sleep we had him taken from our house and sent to a wilderness camp where he would be removed from all that had been pulling him down in hopes that he could see a different light. We came to learn that it started with pot, then cocaine, then pills and finally Heroin. Heroin…. how could that be? Not our son…
That was the first of many stints at different rehab and treatment centers. Some were because he had no choice, others were of his decision. At each stop he learned more and more tools on how to cope with his addictions. At each stop he touched more and more people with his love, compassion and genuine warmth. At each stop he came out looking like the son we knew and loved. At each stop he lasted longer and longer between relapses. In between, he always seems to connect with amazingly compassionate people who took him under their wings, gave him a break, gave him a chance and gave him hope. For all of those who were there for him when we could not, we are eternally grateful for their assistance in keeping him alive and moving forward.
As Jeremy was going through his journey, his mother and I were going through our own. We asked ourselves – how can we survive this? Fortunately, we found a tremendous support group in Families Anonymous. It is there we saw parents of estranged children, those with kids in jail, those whose offspring were in the throes of deep addiction but somehow were managing to take care of themselves and live their own lives. Without the support of this amazing group and that of our family and closest friends, I don’t know how we would have made it through. I asked a dear friend whose son had been through a similar journey, what she did to help him and herself – “I loved him through it” was her simple response. That stuck with us over the next 9 years. We learned the power of tough love by letting go when we needed to but also embraced him and helped him when he needed help and WANTED help. We were always there with our love – if not our financial support.
It is hard not to wonder – what could we have done differently? We do know that as parents, we did the very best we could and made the best decisions possible at every turn all along the way. We have no regrets in this regard. There was always the thought that this could come to a tragic ending but all along this journey, we always had faith in him even when he had no faith in himself, we never gave up hope that he could make it through and we never stopped loving him. That worked much better for us than living in fear.
One time… that is all it takes. One slip. One needle. One bad batch. One very special life lost. This is a game that cannot be won if it is continually played.
Russian roulette. At a time when everything seemed ok, demons were working in the background. Every day he fought a great battle. Most of the time he was winning the fight but all it takes is one time to lose a battle and the war is over. We can never truly understand what drives someone to use drugs of this nature. Was it just wanting to have a good time or was he trying to escape from some pain that we did not understand? As his parents, we knew that Jeremy struggled with anxiety, depression and a lack of self-esteem. As his father, I saw the anger and frustration, his mother saw the deep sadness but the world saw the best of him. Sometimes I think it would have been different had he felt about himself, how others felt about him.
The past year was one of the best we ever had. He seemed to be on a wonderful path this time. He had his beloved dogs – Kush and Jamo, whom we are now certain gave him something to live for beyond himself. He caught a break and was hired as an apprentice to become a hair stylist in one of the best salons in our area. It was perfect for a young man who loved women, was creative, had a unique look that was accepted and most importantly, loved connecting with people. I was told the owners hired him because they saw the beauty in his soul – that is something they could not teach. He lifted the spirit of the salon in the most wonderful way. This is what he did to everyone he came in contact with. He left them feeling better after they spent time with him than before. He was the one that brought folks together, the one that made it fun, the one that everybody wanted to be with. This was the son we knew we had but had been lost for so long. They say people are not as beautiful as they look, as they walk or as they talk. They are as beautiful as they love, as they care and as they share. In this light, Jeremy was truly magnificent.
Now that we have come to accept his passing through this physical life, we surely know that his sprit lives on. He continues on in the thoughts and memories of those whose lives he touched with his unique and special light. We heard so may stories of how he changed people for the better. Whether it was from the friend whom he talked out of going down the path he did only to become a doctor and save lives or to the countless others whose eyes he opened up to the concepts of acceptance and embracing individuality, it was clear he made a huge impact on so many. He showed us how to laugh and he showed us the power of a good, warm hug. He also showed us how precious life is and that we should never, ever take it for granted. I don’t think we really understand how many lives we touch until it is too late.
We had to come to a place in our minds of how to deal with his passing for the rest of our lives. We know without question that he is free from all of his worry, stress and pain. We know his spirit lives on and the spirit of him resides in those whose lives he affected in so many positive ways. As we talk to friends they are not sure if they should bring him up in conversation. As we meet new people and they ask if we have kids, we were not sure how we would answer the question.
Everyone deals with grief in different ways. There are those who get so sad that they lost a loved one that they try to block it out their memory. We came to an understanding that we absolutely want to talk about him – that is how is stays alive and in our hearts. That is how we continue to feel him.
A dear friend of mine told me how he always wished he could have had a son but was never ever able to have one – not even for a single day. We now focus on how fortunate we were to have had Jeremy for 26 years. We focus on the joy, the laughter and sweet memories he left behind. We focus on how lucky we are to have a magnificent daughter that is still with us. We focus on the amazing and supportive friends and family we have in our lives and we focus on all of the blessings we are given in each and every day.
As his sister Riana so eloquently stated at his Celebration of Life Service – “The day that Jeremy passed away there was some strange weather that was persisting as it was raining nonstop and I was over it but a best friend of mine told me to go outside and look at the sky. Once I looked beyond the rain, I saw the sky was filled with the most beautiful shades of blue and the sun was shining through extremely brightly. I realized this was a lot like Jeremy’s life. If you didn’t take the time to look beyond the exterior you might have only seen the rain but once you take the time to see beyond that, you would see a light that’s shining so brightly it almost hurts. I am now certain that Jeremy’s way of saying hi and assuring that he is still with all of us.