- Drugs
My name is Katie and I am an alcoholic and an addict. I was born in 1973 in Orlando, FL. My parents were in a touring rock and roll band. I used to remember seeing the Holiday Inn sign and saying, “Let’s go home, mommy.” After releasing their first record, my parent’s band broke up, and my parents divorced when I was three years old. My first experience with drugs was witnessing my Uncle Joe commit suicide with a shotgun while high on PCP. He was 17, and I was 4. My grandfather was also an alcoholic, as was my father.
When I started school, my mother was single and working in a dress shop during the day and singing in a lounge in the evenings. I did not see much of my father during my younger years. We struggled financially. I always felt inferior and very self-conscious. I was constantly bullied during my elementary and middle school years. “Welfare Princess” was my nickname. Ironically, we were never on any public assistance. We did, however, live in the projects for about a year. This was very embarrassing for me, as I walked to and from school. In high school, things started to get a little better for me. I met a really nice guy, and we dated all the way through high school. My mother met a really nice man and finally got married. This meant no more living in the projects for us. I had started to bloom by this time. I was modeling at the local department store that my mother worked at. I had some photos taken and sent them to Teen magazine for a modeling contest. I was actually a finalist, appeared in the magazine and won a small scholarship from Maybelline. I entered the local Miss America preliminary pageant and won another scholarship! I was on my way to the Miss Georgia pageant!
Unfortunately for me, an eating disorder that I had struggled with for years was right there with me. Up to this point, I had not had any dealings with alcohol or drugs. I was a good student, and all I wanted was to be the next Miss America. I had also been accepted to Georgia Southern University. With the scholarship money I already had, the Hope Scholarship and the Pell Grant I got, I had my education completely covered. When I got to GSU, I got in the best sorority. I was on top of the world until I found out that my wonderful boyfriend of four years had been unfaithful. I was crushed. I left school and decided to take the rest of the year off to prepare for the Miss Georgia pageant. I went back to my job at the restaurant I had worked at in high school. It was then that I was introduced to cocaine for the first time. I was told it would help me control my eating. That’s all I needed to hear. I started drinking at the bars with my coworkers every night after work and using powder cocaine. This is in the early 1990s. Wow, I had finally found a diet plan that worked for me! And vodka made me feel like I was on top of the world! I took cocaine with me to the Miss Georgia pageant. Needless to say, I did not win.
Shortly thereafter, I met my first husband at a bar called Murphy’s Tavern. Oh, he was a dapper man. Guess what he did for a living? He was a master sommelier, a wine expert. Woo hoo! Two weekends later, we conceived our son in Donald Trump’s guest bedroom. Two weekends after that, we were married at the Lyford Cay Club in the Bahamas. Boy, he got a lot more than he bargained for. I got more than I bargained for too. He was very verbally abusive. After our son was born, I started using cocaine again. However, I had a hard time finding powder cocaine. I was no longer working in the same place and did not have the same connections that I once had. My husband was bullying me about my weight. The more he said, the more I wanted to use and drink. It was then that I was introduced to crack. Crack changed everything.
I would never go back to powder cocaine again. After a few years, my husband got a job offer in Palm Beach, FL, at the Mar-A-Lago Club with Donald Trump. We were moving, so I would have no connections at all. What was I going to do? What if someone found out? This was the beginning of my first bottom. I went out looking with my son in the car. I can hardly write this. I saw a prostitute walking. I gave her money, and she took me to get some crack. I was off to the races. Again, my three year old son was with me. It was suggested to me to leave my son with a babysitter for a few hours while I was there. Well, after my car had been rented out and not returned, I had no idea where I was or how to get back to my son. I found out later he was taken to a convenience store and left there crying. I was counted as missing for a week. I was found when I was arrested in a prostitution sting. My husband filed for divorce. After going into treatment, I drove six hours to go through supervised visitation every weekend for two years and worked though a case with family and children services. After all of this, I finally got joint custody and was getting ready to move to Palm Beach Gardens, FL, to be close to my son. I had managed to stay clean for this two year period of time.
During this time, I met a man at our local recovery meeting. He was a recent graduate of drug court and had been clean for four years when I met him so I felt safe in starting a relationship with him. He was a chef at a local restaurant, and we immediately moved in together. I actually had a successful EBay business and was able to cover my $100-a-week child support payment and weekly travel expenses to Palm Beach. We were doing great until his parents passed away. He brought home some morphine that was left over from his father’s passing. I had always had back problems and thought, “What the heck?” I had never had a problem with pain meds. Needless to say, by the end of the day, I had talked him into finding some powder cocaine and wine. I did not really consider it a full blown relapse since I did not use crack. A couple of weeks later, we moved to Palm Beach Gardens. Within a few months, we were both using crack again. Between the two of us, we were using about $1000 a day. My son was with us about half the time. We spent a lot of time in the bathroom. Around this time, I had my first seizure.
We were not making enough money legally to support our habit so we started a crime ring with bad checks and fake IDs. After a friend overdosed in our bathroom, we were evicted from our apartment. I packed up my little boy and decided to drive to my father’s place in Orlando. I had not slept in four days. I fell asleep at the wheel and the car flipped on interstate I-95. By the grace of God, my son and I were not hurt. But my Blazer was totaled. I took my son back to his father. My boyfriend and I were now on the run. It would be a long time before I would be able to see my little boy again. The police were looking for us. My seizures were happening more and more often. We were living in our Volkswagen van with our dog and cats. My boyfriend was eventually caught. I went back to GA, went through treatment and found out there was a warrant for me as well. I served my time, paid my restitution and did my probation.
While I was in treatment in GA, I met my second husband at a recovery support meeting. I moved in with him immediately after getting out of treatment and married him when I got out of jail. We relapsed together shortly thereafter. This was an extremely abusive marriage. The police were called often, but I always refused to press charges. I even wrote the judge and got him out of jail. I felt like I deserved it. During my active addiction, I had been brutally beaten, gang raped and pimped out by my husband. I also injured myself during seizures. I had to have 17 staples in the back of my head from falling and hitting my head on the sink. I lost so much blood that I almost died. I have had my feet dipped in paint thinner and set on fire so I would not leave. This resulted in third degree burns. I was in a wheelchair for three months. I was prescribed oxycodone and became addicted. My nose has been broken. I finally filed for a divorce. My feet finally healed, and I was back on the street again. I grew so tired physically and emotionally of the constant turmoil of what my life had become. I entered treatment again. Upon release from what I think was about a six month program, I had a brief reunion with my second husband that resulted in a pregnancy.
The Lord gave me a gift and yet another chance. About seven months into the pregnancy, I relapsed again with my husband. This time I was beaten up so badly that my jaw was fractured. After being released from the hospital, I went into a safe women and children’s treatment center. I could only eat through a straw for about a month. I stayed at the center until I was ready to give birth. My husband was in jail and was sentenced to a year in a halfway house. My precious angel was born healthy and right on time. At my six week check up, I found out that I had endometriosis and PID. I had to have a complete and immediate hysterectomy.
I started feeling strong again. I went back to school again for the third time. I got my counseling certification as a Certified Peer Support Specialist through the Georgia Department of Human Resources and I got a job at the treatment center that I had been a patient at so many times. I lasted about six months before I relapsed. Why couldn’t I stay clean?
My little angel was about nine months old by this time. I had wonderful boyfriend whom I had met online. I was allowed to see my older son every couple of months, supervised by his father. My little son and I had a nice little apartment. There were so many triggers in the area that I lived in. Every time I would go to treatment, I was told, “You need long-term treatment AWAY from this area.” My wonderful boyfriend and I got married.
He really was wonderful. He had no history of alcohol or drugs, was a widower and did really love me! We had been dating almost a year. One day, I had a dentist appointment. Did I tell them I was addict? No. They prescribed codeine syrup. This was my last relapse. I drank the whole bottle in one evening. At 4:00 am, I was out looking for crack and I had a seizure. I ran into a gas station to get something to drink and someone drove off with my car. My phone and my dog were in the car! I am so grateful that my baby was at my mom’s house. The reality is that losing my dog was terrible, but losing my child would have been in the realm of possibility had he been there. That morning I entered my last treatment center. That was October 6, 2009. At this treatment center, I found out that I had Hepatitis C, from the relapse five months earlier, which was the only time I had ever used a needle. I was also told again that I needed long-term treatment for my addiction, alcoholism and the Hepatitis C.
My husband and I found a wonderful addiction specialist in upstate NY and he found a new job. Unfortunately at this point, my little boy’s father had more clean time than I did and my parents had taken temporary guardianship of him because of my relapses. I would not be allowed to take him with me. This is why I had not agreed to go away to long-term treatment before. I did not want to leave my baby. My husband assured me that I could fly home to see him once a month. We moved immediately after my 30 day treatment ended. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I needed therapy terribly. I had suffered a lot of memory loss from the many head injuries that I had suffered and the seizures. I had PTSD. I did start flying back every month to see my little boy and my older son was treated for my Hepatitis C for a full year. I received blood tests every six months and the virus has not shown up in any blood tests since the initial diagnosis.
After three years of intense therapy in New York, I moved back to GA and now live within five miles of my little boy who is now five years old. I still only have joint custody, but I pray that one day that will change. I am working on strengthening my relationship with my older son who has just turned 16.
I have started the Facebook support page called Sisters of Serenity and Sobriety for women in recovery from addiction, alcoholism, eating disorders, gambling and codependency. I am working toward two certifications in the recovery field and hope to be actually working in the field within the next year. The Lord kept me alive through my addiction for a purpose. I believe that purpose is to help other women recover from this horrible disease. I am so grateful for my life today. I am working on a book, I sponsor two women and I plan to open my own counseling service for women one day. WE DO RECOVER.
Katie M.