- Drugs
Before I found recovery, my life was completely unmanageable. It was total chaos. I think my issues started when I was a kid. I was always looking for something or someone else to make me happy. I compared myself to others constantly. I guess you could say I didn’t know who I was. Even as a child, I always felt different. I didn’t fit in with my beautiful sister, I didn’t fit in with my six brothers and I didn’t fit in with other people. I was a tomboy, and I was told I was a “rough looking little girl.” I never had any self-esteem. My mother would never let other kids come over to play because we had so many kids at home.
Since I didn’t know how to interact with other people, I didn’t find my first boyfriend until I was 15. I got pregnant. I had my first baby at 16 years old. I was told by my family to, “get married or get out,” so we got married. I had the baby in March, and by October we had moved in with my family. I still wasn’t happy. I loved my baby very much, but I didn’t know how or want to be a wife. We did have another baby, but eventually we got divorced, and I jumped into another relationship. This man was verbally abusive, but I stayed for five years and had two more children.
Next I fell for a man I worked with. He was very handsome and very successful, and he wanted me, four kids and all. It was a very unhealthy relationship, but I was so thrilled that he wanted me. While with him I tried crack for the first time. It made me feel happy, at least at first. I did crack for ten years. Toward the end I was living in a rooming house doing drugs from sunup to sundown. I was unemployable. I couldn’t even get temporary work anymore because I couldn’t get up to go to work. I lived on an unemployment check which paid for the rooming house and drugs. I felt completely hopeless. I had literally lost everything, and I’d been in jail twice. I couldn’t pay my bills, and my car got repossessed. It was the worst time of my life. I had no motivation to do anything. I had no contact with my family because I was too busy doing and finding drugs.
Finally I couldn’t take any more, and I wanted my life back! I called and asked someone for help. The people at the rooming house came and got me. I smelled awful. My clothes smelled awful and smoky. I realized I never wanted to smell that smell again. I started going to meetings, found a job and moved into the YWCA, but I was still using, just not as much. I eventually got a sponsor, and she recommended a rehab program. I stayed there 23 months and did everything they asked me to, everything they told me to. I did my step work, I learned who I really was and I learned to love myself. I found real and total recovery. I am now ten years clean! I have achieved so much in that time. I know who I am, and I love the person I am. My family is back together, I bought a house and I am living a happy life. I never thought this could happen for me. I’ve worked in the recovery field for nine years at the place where I got clean.
Before recovery my life was dark. My whole life took a downward spiral. The drugs took away my pain for a while, but then I “had” to have them, and they ruined my life. I did anything to get the drugs. I left my children home alone because the disease was so powerful, but once I found recovery, I knew there was a better way to live. Today, just for today, I will not take drugs!