- Alcohol
- Faith
For years, people looked at me and called me weak, uncaring, (literally) a menace, unfavorable to society and so on. They don’t know, do they?
They don’t know the phenomenon of living on the edge of life and death, nervous breakdowns, illnesses, prison sentences, joblessness, legal problems, poverty, disease, and shame. They don’t know, do they?
Yet, sometimes today it still annoys me when I hear the whispers behind my back. Sometimes it is my own family and friends. Sometimes it is total strangers. They don’t know, do they?
In recovery from addiction there is no finish line. It’s not about who finishes first but who finishes alive. It is a constant crusade to not pick up today! It’s overwhelming most days but a tremendous sensation when we do just that, once, one day at a time. It gets easier. They don’t know, do they?
How soon people fail to remember the sirens, the cold weather, the filth, the pain, the muggings, picking food out of dumpsters and garbage cans. It seems that the exhaustion, shame, guilt, remorse, sorrow, unhappiness, hunger, mourning and the likes are quickly forgotten. They don’t know, do they?
The lies are remembered, thefts are remembered, jobs lost are remembered, hungered times are remembered but not my pain. Not my embarrassment. Not my guilt. Not my depression. They don’t know, do they?
I “lived” through 43 years of alcoholism. I “lived” through 43 years of hate and despair. I’m better today, much better. I like myself (not love) better today. I’m healthier and happier than ever today. But, I still remember. They don’t know, do they?
The cycle of addiction goes on, day to day, month to month, year to year, decade to decade–and time slowly slides away.
So today, just today, change something! What? Change something you don’t like about you!
Here are some suggestions: lying, manipulating, judging, hygiene, eating, complaining, sleeping, anger, watching television, absenteeism, your haircut, your hat, your clothes, your buddies. Change something, just one thing. I challenge you to keep it changed. See that sounds simple, doesn’t it? They don’t know, do they?
I came into recovery a shell of a human being. I was broken and exhausted, looking forward to dying and an end to my suffering. I was defeated finally by alcohol, drugs, gambling, lies, shame, guilt, remorse, sorrow, grief, hunger and pain. I was defeated by life; broke, homeless, unemployed, unemployable.
My spirit was shattered, destroyed beyond recognition. I was the living dead. But God had different plans for me. Against my will, against what strength remained, against what little principles I had lingering, against all odds, recovery rooms accepted me. He had a plan. He had a way out. He watched. He had a vision. He demonstrated the way. He opened the door. He led the way. He loved when I couldn’t. He cared when I didn’t. He held my hand. He provided me with love when I couldn’t love myself. They don’t know, do they?
But, I forget how I was, or what I was like. I forget how I smelled, how hungry, tired, lonely and angry I was. I forget and I sometimes continue all the old bits and pieces of my life before sobriety. And life begins to change again. They don’t know, do they?
I listen to myself (sometimes). I try to watch myself. If things are not different from how they were, it’s time to CHANGE. That’s why I’m in recovery. I’m trying to stop the cycle. You know, don’t you? They don’t know, do they?
It’s odd; absolutely nothing has changed out in the world, outside my life. Not anything, zilch, nada, naught, zero. Yet, I have to change and change fast every day to keep up with sobriety. It can’t be done tomorrow or next week; it has to be today.
Imagine a place taking a man or woman off the street, filthy and poor and offering that person help. Hugging them, listening to them, teaching them, feeding them. Imagine that place! If you are in recovery, you’re there.
That’s what recovery is– a place to relax, clean up, feel better, eat, sleep and decide. That’s what the mission is, day to day, to change you. Change you from the other person even you hated. They don’t know, do they?
It can be overwhelming sometimes. A monumental task that is persistently demanding and frustrating. One life saved is the reward. Is that you? Stop putting it off! You want a better life, a job, a house, a family? Hell you want to look in the mirror and love the reflection? Then STOP and change something. Are you tired and destroyed about your past? Change, right now! They don’t know, do they?
Immediately you will see a difference, and then change something else. That’s what it’s about. Don’t and you let another promise die.
Those that have never been through addiction or known someone that has– they don’t know, do they?
Art