- Alcohol
- Drugs
I have learned to be patient when I go to my 12-step meetings. Without fail my higher power will put answers or lessons in front of me. I wait, and I look forward to hearing what the topic of the meeting is, and I very seldom need to provide a topic. My higher power provides a topic that relates to what is going on in my life. It is amazing.
I went to a meeting last night because I had to let out my fears, my anger and my sadness. My higher power put the topic of “self” in the ring for discussion. At the beginning I just didn’t see how it related to the moment, but I listened. As I listened I began to see the changes that have happened in me.
When my brothers passed away 25 years ago, my response was self-pity. I cried and then got a nice, big bottle of whiskey. I poured it on my sorrows, trying to forget the fear, anger, pain and sadness, but when I sobered up a month or two later, I was still sad, still in pain and still angry. I was still afraid, and I carried all of that with me for years and was stuck in my sickness of “self.”
I came to my treatment center 20 months ago looking for answers as to why I was so sick of me that I wanted to die. I just wanted all the ping-pong balls in my head to stop bouncing around. Addiction and self were driving me crazy.
My treatment center did not cure me, nobody can, but it provided me with tools and gave me insight into a power greater than myself. I learned to consider and try to understand that it is not about me. It is about us, us as human beings, and it is about love. It is about recognizing what options God is setting in front of us and about doing the next right thing; it is about life.
When my daughter passed away yesterday, my first thoughts involved sadness and sorrow. My next thoughts were not about drinking or getting high on drugs or even smoking a cigarette. The next instant my mind turned to thinking about her husband’s pain, her children’s confusion, her brother and sister and their sadness, her grandfather and his sorrow and her close friends and their loss. I didn’t think about drinking or using. I never even considered it. It just wasn’t an option.
At 12-step meetings I typically talk a little, but my input is usually superficial. Last night I felt compelled to share the difference I see in myself and the topic of “self.” Addiction was about myself, my fears, my sadness and my anger. At the end of the meeting, nearly everyone stopped to hug me and thank me for showing them where they were or are in the “self.”
The last time I saw my daughter, I shared with her the milestone I reached. I had a year and a half clean and sober including no cigarettes. She looked at me and said, “I’m so proud of you, Dad.” She gave me a hug and a kiss and told me, “That’s why you are here. If you were still drinking and using, I would not have even called you and told you I was sick. God works in ways we can never understand, but God works.” She was wise beyond her years. This world has truly lost a person we could all learn from while the next world has gained one of its future great leaders in love and peace.
My treatment center did not cure me, but it led me to a door and just said, “Open it. Even the tiniest crack will let you in.” Treatment showed me the possibilities of a life that is real and how, through belief in a higher power, I can allow life to be just what it is. Every moment is under my control. I choose my journey and share in other journeys along the way.
Today I live in peace. I am clean and sober, and I live life on life’s terms. When I get to my destination, I will already have my angel and beautiful tour guide waiting for me. I am sure my higher power is real. I know now that my higher power put my treatment center along my path through life, and I am so grateful I stopped along the way and got to know you. God bless you.