- Alcohol
- Drugs
My name is April, and I am a recovering addict. I have been clean since June 1, 2010, and am so grateful for my sobriety. I was raised in the church and gave my life to the Lord at the age of 12. I was raised by my loving grandparents (may they both rest in peace) and my aunt and uncle (thank you, Lord, for them), because my mother was an avid alcoholic. My mom was very sick and was not always around to be a part of my life. I lived back and forth between her and my relatives because she wanted so badly to be a good mom. I know she loved me with all her heart, but she was lost inside her own hurt, and unfortunately she never found her way out. My mother died on September 22, 1991, from cirrhosis of the liver at the very young age of 34.
I started to act out before this point due to suppressed feelings of anger and resentment towards my mother, but her death really pushed me over the edge. I left home at the young age of 15 and sought a life on my own. I felt betrayed and abandoned and was angry at the whole world and even God. My life started a downhill spiral. I started to hang out with the party crowd and drink heavily. I was out of control, and I truly didn’t care whether I lived or died. I always said that I would be dead before I turned 30, and I really did feel that was my destiny.
At the age of 23, I met a guy, and we started dating. I thought I was head over heels in love with him, but he ended up being abusive. At first he was only verbally and emotionally abusive, but one night we fought, and he pushed my head into the wall. That was just the beginning of the physical abuse. Not long after that, he gave me my first black eye. Now I can see the only reason I accepted this behavior was because I felt I was not worth more than that. I felt abandoned and unwanted, I felt misunderstood and I felt I deserved the abuse because of the horrible life I had lived. He used to tell me, “Go ahead and leave. No one else will ever love you!” I cringe now to think that I allowed this to go on for three years. It didn’t end until one day he held a knife to my throat, looked into my eyes and told me he would kill me. I saw in his eyes that he would do it, and I finally got the courage to leave him and never look back.
About six months before this relationship ended, I got a job dancing topless at a nightclub. This is where cocaine came into the picture. This was the perfect job for me, an alcoholic, because I could drink all night and make money. I started drinking more and more at work until one of my friends suggested I try a little cocaine as a pick-me-up. Cocaine and alcohol became my new mix. Alcohol took away the inhibitions I had about dancing for strangers and cocaine kept me from getting sloppy drunk. It was a horrible experience, and when I left my abusive boyfriend, I also quit dancing. Dancing made my non-existent self-esteem even worse. I always wondered, “What am I going to do if God comes back, and I am standing half naked in a club full of strange men?”
I moved to Ohio with a guy I met through my ex, not having any idea that he would be worse than my ex ever was. That relationship ended badly. He beat me so badly that I thought he was going to kill me. I had to fight my way out of the hotel room, and that was the first time I stood up for myself. I pressed charges, and I went into a safe home for battered women.
I got a job after I had healed enough to be seen in public. I met this really nice guy that I ended up falling in love with. He was my Prince Charming. Everything about him seemed perfect, but when we moved from Ohio to Florida, everything changed. He stopped showing me attention and started working late. We went through a separation period, and I quit drinking for the first time in my life. I realized I had so many issues. It was a rude awakening. I suffered from severe depression and anxiety. I started going to a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with bipolar disorder. My doctor prescribed Xanax and Zoloft for anxiety and depression. I thought I was cured but, boy, was I ever mistaken.
Me and my knight in shining armor got back together, and I moved back to Florida. When I got there, he presented me with a diamond ring and asked me to marry him. I was on top of the world until during the same week, I found out he was sleeping with our neighbor. Everything shattered. I started to abuse Xanax and started drinking again. I went off the deep end and started partying with my best girl friend. I left my knight in shining armor to have an affair with another man. We got back together, but we were both miserable. After about two years of breaking up and getting back together, I finally split up with him for good.
A few months later, I met a guy I would fall in love with. We were together for about three months when I had a terrible accident and fell three stories. The fall was caused by my drinking. I broke my back in two places and had to have emergency surgery. They had to fuse five of my vertebrae together, and I was unable to work for at least six months. This was the beginning of a new addiction. I was introduced to roxies, and these led me to my bottom.
I started selling my pills to pay my rent, and I was physically addicted to them as well. Things went from bad to worse. I remember contemplating suicide a few times because I was so tired of my horrible life. I made a decision to try to get into an intensive outpatient treatment program, but they were full. You had to call every day to stay on the waiting list, and I ended up getting impatient and stopped calling.
About six months after the accident, I was introduced to a guy who started to buy from me. After the second time, he asked if I could get him 50 pills. When I went to sell him the 40 pills I had, we were arrested for trafficking a controlled substance.
I was sentenced to prison after being convicted of three felony charges. I am convinced that God used this situation to save my life. I gave my life to God in July 2010, and I have absolutely no regrets. I never looked back. Walking with God through my recovery process was the most amazing thing in the whole world. Realizing that I was not the victim was a huge revelation to me. I had gotten where I was by my own choices. I accepted the things I had done, I forgave myself and I forgave those who had hurt me. I asked for forgiveness from those who I had hurt and made amends where it was possible. I let go of all resentment and bitterness. I started a new journey with God.
As of February 28, 2014, I am 3 years, 8 months and 27 days clean, and I am happier than I have ever been in my life. I was released from prison on October 14, 2013, and since then I have gotten my license cleared and am going to get my license reinstated next week. I am buying a car this weekend. I have wonderful family relationships, and I am so grateful for my sober life. Life is better than I could have ever imagined possible. My chains are gone; God’s love set me free. We do recover. It is a lot of work but so very worth it! Thank you for reading my story. God Bless you always!