- Alcohol
- Drugs
- Friends & Family
My life began to feel like a revolving door of promises and lies. I was unable to stop participating in activities that I did not want to be involved in, yet I had absolutely no power to refuse. I felt totally powerless over every area of my life. I just wanted everything to “get better” but I had no tools to help produce that change and I really did not understand what the true problem was. I truly believed if I could just stop drinking and drugging, everything would be perfect.
This behavior continued for about ten years. It (as it usually does) got increasingly worse.
The turning point for me was when I got pregnant. I had wanted to have a child my whole life. I have strong beliefs about motherhood, and parenting. However, even this could not stop my addiction.
I was so disgusted with myself. When my son was born, I struggled on and off with sobriety. I was very depressed and felt incredible amounts of guilt and disconnection.
I eventually went to treatment at a treatment center that allows you to take your child with you to treatment. This period of time was the first time that I began to feel like a real mother. I remember sleeping in our little room (my son was two) and I felt so calm and so at peace. I had not felt that way in years. I learned so much about parenting and unconditional love from the other mothers and staff. I began to believe in myself again, and that pushed to want to have more. More recovery, more peace. My sobriety date is April 17, 2010. My son was two years old when I became sober.
For any parent that carries guilt — I know that it has taken me years to be able to process all of my feelings regarding my actions in relation to my son. It has just been recently that I can think about some of the things that I did while in my addiction without physically shuddering. I would spend hours thinking about how unprotecting I was and comparing myself to other mothers. I can still go there today. But not nearly as often. I also realize that when I engage in that behavior, it takes me out of the present, away from my child which is where I so desperately want to be.