- Drugs
- Friends & Family
- Mental Health
submitted by: Susanne Johnson
My son, Ian, had to come home from attending FSU in January of 2013, just 2 days into his third semester, because he began “kicking” the drug Kratom. He had been hitting the local kava bar the whole time he was on Christmas break, just prior to returning to college for his third semester. He had lost weight and had become pale and gaunt. He had mood swings and angry outbursts at times. He was also sleeping a lot, lethargic, and having vivid dreams when he was sleeping. He was also having “out of body” experiences that he would tell me about, this happening when he did this drug. He would also tell me he heard voices in his dreams that sounded evil.
After his return from college, I took him to a local, well-known treatment center to see if he would agree to get help, but he refused the help offered to him. He was an adult then, 19 years old. I had to ask him to leave my home, shortly after this in the end of January, because I was so upset by his drastic change in appearance, his “affect”, his mood swings and his altered thinking process.
I knew it was drugs but I also knew so little about kava and Kratom. I had begun to seek help through an addiction therapist and I was attending 12-step support groups for families of those with substance use disorder.
I was crying when I had met with my addiction therapist for the first time and I asked him, “How can I save my only son’s life?” He told me that the only way, if it was a possibility, was to try through “tough-love” and setting boundaries and rules. My therapist supported my decision to ask Ian to leave our home. With the assistance of this addiction therapist, we were trying to persuade Ian to get the help he so desperately needed. But Ian left our home at the end of January, 2013 and went to live with his dad and his stepmother.
Nine months later, we finally were able to convince him to go to in-patient treatment. For those past nine months, he had been living with his dad, working in his dad’s pool service business and he had begun to steal from his father, stealing checks, forging them and stealing other items. There were no opiates involved here– only Kratom. We have bank records proving that all of his money from his debit card was going to local kava bars, and cigar shops.
In September of 2013, he was admitted into a full opiate private detox center for a seven day opiate taper. After his detox was complete, he was refusing to go to treatment we had arranged for him Boca Raton. It was at this time that Publix Supermarkets notified Ian’s dad that five fraudulent checks had been passed there. Ian had signed his Dad’s names on the checks, in order to purchase more Kratom.
Because he was refusing treatment, we brought up the check issue and the fact that unless he did what we told him to do, at that time we were going to allow him to be prosecuted. He then became willing to comply with our request and he went for a 30 days of treatment. After treatment, he was released to one of the best sober living homes in our area. He did well in treatment and after-care/sober living. He got a job at a local health food store in their juice bar. Ian loved being abstinent and loved his job. He was working out, training to become a yoga instructor– all good things.
He began to see my addiction therapist. We did separate visits and we would visit in therapy for family sessions with just Ian and me in therapy.
It was in December of 2013, that he mentioned he had something to tell me about in therapy. During the session, he had “come out” to me that he felt he was gay or bisexual. What none of us knew was he had relapsed just prior to this session after being clean for 90 plus days. I had pretty much guessed he might be gay for a while because he had very few girlfriends during high school.
Once he had told me about this and he saw I wasn’t shocked, but that my reaction was completely the opposite– loving and accepting of him, he asked, “Well, how do you feel about this?” I told him, “Relieved.” He looked shocked!
I said, “The biggest shock for me over this past two years was to find out you had an addiction to Kratom.” I told him, “I love you, son, with all of my heart and soul and I want you to live!” I said, “Now that you’ve told me this, can all of us begin to move forward and can you live to enjoy your life?”
Just a few weeks after the session, he tested positive in his sober living for Kratom. He told me he had relapsed before the session because he was afraid to tell me but once he realized that I loved him no matter what his sexual identity issues were. However, unbeknownst to me during that therapy session, it was too late. He had already “picked up” Kratom again.
Shortly after, in January of 2014, we had an intervention for him and he denied the Kratom use once again until I had found 2 empty packets of Kratom in his car. He finally came clean and I had to tell him he could either go back into detox and treatment or he could go live on the street, because I was now going to take his car.
Can you imagine a mother, having to do such as this with their only child? As tough as it was, I had now learned, this was the only way I could ever possibly try to save his life. I had learned that by enabling him, it would only allow him to do his drug of choice. He decided to return to detox and this time 60 days of treatment.
During this time of his initial stay in treatment, he suffered much remorse, guilt and shame for his relapse. After three weeks clean, he began to present more like himself again. While in treatment, Ian completed a 200 hour Yoga Instructor Training Certification. He got a job after getting out of treatment and while living at a sober residence, in Delray Beach, and he began to prepare himself to return to college at FAU.
All seemed good but soon, because the kava bars and Cigar Shops that sold Kratom were so conveniently located near his sober residence in Delray, he relapsed, one final time.
In early June, my son relapsed again on the Kratom and he became very sick during his periods of withdrawal. He was given the option to return to treatment with a scholarship, but he refused. He insisted he could manage this on his own.
He wasn’t allowed to come home to live unless he was clean for one year. This drug affected his brain and his body. He had lost everything from the drug and he knew it. I saved every text message from him from when he first became addicted and he had expressed so many regrets about the losses in his life from his addiction.
In my son’s case, he suffered terribly from his addiction and had a great deal of guilt and remorse for stealing thousands of dollars from his family, who loved him dearly and he loved all of us dearly. He was once a person of high morals and came from a solid “Christian” upbringing. What it all really came down to was this: my son had literally been at the top of his game, had the best education, was well-respected in his community, had parents and family who all loved him dearly and yet because of his one mistake, by picking up a legal, seemingly “healthy” herbal drink and powder, he became so addicted that he lost it all in just two and a half years. It was very much like heroin for him. He lost his home, he lost his chances for college that he had worked so hard for, he lost his money, he lost his banking, he lost the trust of his family, he lost touch with his real friends he’d grown up with, but most of all he lost himself. He lost all hope of rebuilding his life and all because of his addiction to the substance Kratom.
Initially he became addicted to Kratom by visiting a local kava bar that was “hip” and intriguing to him at the end of his junior year of high school. Any age kid could go there and he was so young and naive at just 17 years old. He even invited me to go as well as other family members. I had become so concerned at the amount of money and time he was spending there, that one afternoon I decided to do a “pop-in” visit, unexpectedly, to check out the scene.
He greeted me happily, even though my visit was a surprise. He didn’t appear to be hiding anything from me. I didn’t like the scene. I felt something wasn’t right about it. He bought me a drink and it tasted horrible. He finished it for me. I got home and felt pretty sedated, even though I didn’t finish the drink. On another occasion, my husband and I, both went to the kava bar and my husband knew immediately, this was not a good place for someone, like me, who was in recovery. We both never returned.
On July 16th, 2014, my son had just had a confrontation regarding some stolen checks with the only family member he loved so dearly, who had taken him in after his final relapse. He quickly left and said, “I can’t live like this anymore”. Within minutes, he drove to the overpass of a nearby interstate, removed his sandals and dove off of the overpass. In his car, at the scene, 6 empty packets of Kratom were found and 2 full packets. He suffers no more from his addiction to Kratom. We, his family, will suffer the loss of his most precious life for the rest of our lives.
My son was one special young man and he took his own life because of his addiction to this unregulated, legal, herbal product and its containments. Everyone in our family loved him and he loved his family. He was a 4th generation native to our town and he was loved and respected by so many in our community. Over 500 attended his memorial services. His friends had a surf paddle out memorial and over 100 attended this. There was a yoga class memorial that over 70 attended at his high school.
The funeral service was “a packed house” and people had to line up against the walls of the church. His Fraternity at FSU, Sigma Phi Epsilon held an “on campus” candlelight vigil in his memory. We held a candlelight vigil in Delray Beach, Sponsored by “The Addict’s Mom” on September 1st, Labor Day…just two days before his 21st Birthday. One hundred and fifty to two hundred people attended this vigil. He was such a trusting, sweet, caring, beautiful, sensitive and loving, person. He was popular in high school and voted “most beautiful eyes”. His spirit gleaned “light and love”.
I am a “childless” mother, yet I will always be a mother. I am also a person in recovery for 21 years. As such, I have made it my mission to speak openly regarding the events that lead up to my son’s death: his disorder, which he suffered greatly from, and his suicide.
My son is my hero! I am not ashamed of my son and what has happened. I love him dearly and I miss him each and every day. He had mentioned to me several times, while abstinent, “Mom, you have to go back to recovery groups, pick up your 20 year medallion!” He told me, “You can save so many lives.” I believe that in just 20 short years of my son’s life, there was an extremely instrumental purpose taking place. I want to fulfill my purpose in this amazing, divine plan designed by our Creator, propelling the message and vision my son had, in order to save others from the shame, guilt, remorse of this disease, which affects the brain, body and spirit.
In addition to my full-time career as an operating room RN, I became the founder and director of the Ian Mautner Foundation. I now also speak in treatment centers, schools, college campuses and churches, with a message of support, hope, love and education regarding substance use disorder, suicide and death.
Things that have previously been offensive to speak about publicly because of the stigma and shame associated with them. I believe in the possibility that through my experience and in telling my story, I will have a greater opportunity, through my own adversities, to assist parents in many different ways such as in recognizing the signs of their younger children and in their young adult children who are experimenting and/or struggling with harmful substances. My hope is to be able to help save many lives from destruction and pain.
I also would like to support and advocate for parents who do have a child suffering, to find help and begin to heal. I believe that many times, families suffer the greatest losses and families need to be included in this continuum of care. I want to encourage parents and families to speak freely and openly about their loved ones who are or have suffered in this disease.
I refuse to remain silent, as many parents often do, out of shame, guilt and remorse that regretfully go along with our societal views and “stigmas” of substance use disorder, suicide and death from overdose. I realize that I am not the only one. There will be many others and this job warrants facilitating others in recovery to know that in order to break this shame and stigma, we need all to come forward, professing that recovery and abstinence are not only possible, but one can obtain the most satisfying and successful life!
I overcame my addiction to alcohol, a chronic alcoholic, beginning at the age of 15. I am “Anonymous No More”. The time to be pro-active is now. We cannot afford to wait any longer, as this is becoming too deadly to remain silent and it’s quickly becoming a “pandemic” in our younger population. It’s time to stand in our truth and begin a new trend in saving lives!
Linda Mautner, RN
Founder, Director of the Ian Mautner Foundation