- Alcohol
- Drugs
- Faith
“Your life is your message to the world, make it inspiring.”-Lorrin L Lee
I never thought that I was an alcoholic. I never thought that I would ever see light. I never thought that I belonged anywhere. I never thought I was worthy.
Today is December 22, 2014 and 5 years ago this week I tried to take my own life. I drank all the alcohol I could find in my brother’s home and took as many pills of Ativan I could swallow in my drunken state. The myriad of questions as to why I was the way I was swam in my mind. Locking myself in the bathroom, I was determined to be found dead. I was a victim. A dramatic victim; I didn’t care who suffered along with me. I couldn’t care-the pain was too deep.
I have suffered. Molestation, rape, physical, mental, and emotional abuse; I am no stranger to trauma. My pain began before I can even remember, and have yet to remember. Memories blocked in order to guard my sanity. I get flashes from time to time of incidents, but no clear picture. Through it all, I became a fighter. Regardless of what I was fighting, I couldn’t fight hard enough. Anorexia, bulimia, exercise and drug addiction, eventually succumbing to what brought me to my knees: alcoholism- I manifested my pain externally to cope. Until I could not cope anymore.
It’s beyond me why I am still here. The circumstances and events that lead me to where I am today baffle me. I knew from an early age that I was different. I was angry a lot. I did not trust anyone. People caused pain and pain came in the disguise of care or affection. I learned to become a protector of the innocent, while I harbored and hid the pain I felt inside. I wore a mask from the age of nine. I could be anyone you wanted me to be.
We moved a lot. In each new place, I reinvented myself. When I got to college, I found my “freedom”. I took it in the form of a drug, a drink, or a harmful experience. I hurt a lot of people along the way. I lost friends, family, respect, and trust. Most importantly I lost myself.
By the time I entered treatment, I was broken. The bottom is the bottom. For me it was the inability to take my two year old son to the park, for the call of the liquor store beckoned me immediately. The presence of joy on his sweet face, the desire to spend a morning with his mom laughing and playing, were completely muted by the demand of the monkey on my back. The need to feed a dependency that had now become a physical allergy to maintain a sense of normalcy. I surrendered. For the love of my son, I began a journey to lose everything that I had in order to gain wisdom and understanding into why I suffer. With the hopes that one day, I could help the next one suffering.
The fighter in me, the rebel in me, is not quiet. Yet I have learned to channel this energy into other areas of my life. Recovery has not been a perfect streamlined process of healing and growth. It’s been messy. It’s been fraught with pain and loss. But God willing, on March 17th, 2015 I will celebrate 5 years recovered from the obsession of alcohol addiction. As I have grown, I have come to understand more about my disease. Surrender is not a singular moment; it is a daily acceptance of what I cannot control and what I can.
I am clear that there are many things in my life that I have to surrender to the process in order to maintain my conscious contact with my Higher Power. While I have been through a 12 Step Process, my journey of recovery has taken various methods towards healing. Process groups, therapy, metaphysical and spiritual studies and practices- I was baptized in 2012. All of my efforts have helped me to fine tune and narrow the path of actualizing: towards becoming who I really am.
I have goals. I have dreams. I have ambition. I have finished my first term towards receiving my masters in Psychology, concentrating in Marriage and Family Therapy and Professional Clinical Counseling. Having left the financial industry as an Investment Banker in 2010, I have worked in the field of recovery since 6 months of sobriety. My goal is to become an Experiential Adventure Therapist. Mixing recovery work with Adventure work, I was blessed to gain employment as an adventure counselor and as an adventure trip guide leading cycling tours in the Netherlands and Belgium last season. Returning stateside, I worked as a Recovery Life Skills Coach and am now the Alumni Coordinator for Michael’s House (a co-occurring disorder treatment facility: the birthplace of my recovery foundation. I am in the process of making a documentary film that will showcase individuals living adventurous lives in recovery as our crew cycles across the United States in 2016. I am deepening my adventure skills with courses through Outward Bound, strengthening my skill set while I receive my licensure as a therapist.
My greatest aspiration is to be a loving and caring mother worthy of my son. Allowing the process to unfold, I maintain my faith that all things are possible, so long as we believe. I am on borrowed time, and I am worthy. My mission is to help others realize this within themselves as well. We are heroes; simply by living in recovery. Now let’s make it a life worth living!
Of all the Nevers I ever believed, I could have never dreamt that in five years time my life would look as miraculous as it does today. I continue to find amazement and joy in the simplest of experiences, when before I had to ingest a substance in order to feel. Patience, compassion, and a willingness to serve, I look ahead to the next 5 years with openness and enthusiasm. It has been one heck of an adventure so far. I would not have wanted it any other way.