- Alcohol
- Drugs
I was three months old when I experienced my first withdrawal symptom. You see out of ignorance, phenobarbital was used to treat colic back in the ’60s.
My mother went to fill the prescription one day and the pharmacist said, “Ma’am, your son is dependent on this medication.” My mother sought advice, and I was weaned off the drug accordingly. I was high at three months old. It’s hard to wrap my mind around it.
It would only be nine years before I would experience being high again. This time I was high on inhalants but I did not understand why until much later.
They say principals are supposed to be safe, but I experienced one in the fifth grade that definitely was not safe. The shame produced by molestation is deep and intense. At ten years of age, I was stranded on an island, surrounded by an ocean of emotions with no perceivable rescue in sight. To add insult to injury, drugs were used as a reward. When the molestation stopped in high school, the drugs didn’t. You might be thinking, as others did, ”Why didn’t you stop it when you got older?” I asked myself that very question over and over again in my younger years, and that only increased my shame and, therefore, my drug abuse.
By the time my substance abuse came to an end in my late 20s, I had four DWIs and a history of daily intravenous methamphetamine, cocaine and heroin abuse. I remember being drunk, talking to my mother with a loaded shotgun to my head and telling her I was sorry for what I was about to do which was pull the trigger.
As I write this I imagine my own child calling me with the same scenario. I wonder if I would handle it as calmly as she did. I believe that everyone is divine and has knowledge of anything and everything when needed. All that is required is asking and then listening.
When I was desperate with the desire to die becoming stronger than the desire to live, the rescue was initiated. God emerged. He had been absent for a while because I was mad and had abandoned him. My belief at the time of abandonment was if he was all powerful, then the molestation would not have happened or at least would have stopped. I remember specifically when my abandonment of Him happened. I was in a crack house smoking crack when I called out to Lucifer, “If you keep drugs in my life, I will denounce God.”
God did not go anywhere. The problem was on my end. I was not listening. You see God talks, we just don’t listen. One evening he talked and I listened. I had a dream where I was fighting the devil. It was surreal. I remember fighting a bear with large teeth bearing down on my throat while Lucifer stood leaning against the wall, smirking. Twelve disciples watched in horror. The next thing I remember is waking up on my knees in the bathroom of our home with my wife yelling, “Lenny, what is wrong?” because I was screaming, “I can see, I can see.” What I saw was a spark in the distance that flickered and illuminated as it grew nearer. God was demonstrating his grace to me once again.
There was nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. I heard the dirt raining down like thunder as it hit my soul. How deep had I dug? I do not know, and there’s beauty in not knowing. If I had known the depths of my depravity, I might not have made the journey out. Today the unknowing is grace embraced. I never understood grace then as I do now. Today as I experience trials and tribulations, I recognize God’s grace at work. This is how he demonstrates what is important and what is not.
Forgiving myself and then my offender liberated my soul. Today the molestation and addiction are not seen as tragic events to be disregarded and never talked about again. Instead they are seen as gifts and blessings that led me to become a therapist and help others so they too may be touched by the same grace. God’s grace inspired me to help those afflicted with trauma and addiction and through this inspiration came a book, an app and a nonprofit company that gives educational recovery support to the community. I am who I am today due to my journey in life. Recovery is possible, and every obstacle overcome makes it even more rewarding. I am here today as proof of that.