- Drugs
I am proud to say that I will be free of addiction for three years on May 11, 2013. At the age of 39, I thought I knew who I was, what I was doing in life and where I was heading. I worked hard, loved my career, made a great living and I thought I was truly happy and successful. I figured out through treatment and therapy that everything I thought I knew was wrong. My idea of success and the life I had been living were just masks I created so I didn’t have to face the real me.
I always knew I had addictive tendencies and that my repression of traumas could be detrimental to me someday. I drank a lot as a teenager, started smoking and dabbled in drugs. But because I was able to stop these behaviors as an adult, I never thought of myself as an addict. I was just a rebellious teenager. I always struggled with depression and anxiety but I managed to get by and hid it well. I was a great actress. I had a horrible childhood and adolescence and, as an adult, I still suffered from trauma. I became very good at shoving my trauma into a corner and ignoring it, like it was someone else’s life instead of mine. Like many others with these issues, I was subconsciously drawn to building a career in the psychiatry field. I proudly worked 15 years in the field before I decided that I had enough from psychiatry and psychiatry had enough from me.
Psychiatry had given me every answer to every question I had about myself. But if you don’t accept and love yourself, it does no good. Why try to fix something you don’t care about? Eventually, my life became so internally unmanageable that it was very easy for me to turn to prescription narcotics to try to fog my thoughts. What made my addiction to narcotics so much easier and self-justifiable was that the clinic/hospital I worked for prescribed the narcotics. I kept telling myself that there is nothing wrong with what I am doing because the doctor thinks it is ok. The medical director easily handed out the medication to me because I said I had headaches. Eventually, I got to the point where I would run out of pills too soon, but the doctor would just prescribe more pills as often as I wanted. I was taking absolutely as much medication as I wanted and I thought that I could continue this charade as long as I wanted.
I became extremely dependent on Vicodin for at least two years before I decided that I couldn’t live like this any longer. I began to hate myself and I couldn’t even stand being in my own skin. I didn’t get any fun or satisfaction from the drugs anymore because my body simply depended on them to keep me away from withdrawal symptoms. I was making stupid mistakes in life and at work. I became an absolute mess and lacked the control I once had over my life. I knew that I really needed help to get off these drugs and that my issues were much deeper than my physical addiction. I knew I had a long road ahead of me but I had grown so tired of running. Once I made up my mind, I entered into a 30-day inpatient Dual Diagnosis treatment facility for my addiction and mental health issues within two days.
Treatment seemed like the longest, most miserable and worst 30 days of my life. It was also the most wonderful, life-changing and eye opening experience I’ve ever had in my life. Through treatment and the work I’ve done, I know that I would not change one thing about my life and my past. I have absolutely no regrets for allowing myself to become addicted to the point of needing treatment. Without this whole experience I would never have woken up to what is truly important in life. I would never have learned to enjoy life. Life would have passed me by, and I would have continued on with my selfish and miserable ways. Or I may have died.
After treatment, I returned to my place of work, knowing that most of my coworkers knew why I was gone. I made sure to keep my head held high whether I felt this way or not, and turned a blind eye to the whispering. I rose above rumors, judgments and people who treated me indifferently. I truly felt a comfortable self-confidence and self-accomplishment that I had never felt before. No one could possibly take that away from me. Facing the people from work, where my addiction began, was a small undertaking in the scheme of things. Eventually, people quit talking about me and accepted me for who I was. I made sure that I portrayed the message without having to even talk about it. Addiction can happen to anyone and anyone can overcome it. I also sent the message that addiction in THIS workplace (as an employee or a patient) is present in more lives than just mine, so everyone should be careful of making judgments of others. I made sure people knew that going through this experience did not make me any different than anyone else. In the end, the people that were full of the most gossip and judgment looked to me for advice about their own issues, whether personal or related to dealing with seemingly difficult patients. Not long after this experience, I made the decision to change careers. My decision was based on many factors, both positive and negative. Ultimately, I am happy with the change. I feel that chapter of my life was finished and meant to be closed.
In spite of my success in treatment and getting my life on track, life’s lessons continue to happen. In the last two years, I have had one traumatic event and challenge after another. If not for what I learned in treatment about myself, my abilities, my strengths and the self-confidence, I might have relapsed or worse. But I use the tools I’ve gained constantly. I can cope and adapt to these events and changes and try to make the best of them. I’m not going to lie; a person can only take so much. And I do have some bad days. But I get through, whether it’s moment by moment or day by day. I just keep trying to do my personal best. I have a strong conviction against going backwards. Over time, I don’t feel the desire or need to revert back to drugs to hide from problems. I believe in utilizing my relapse prevention plan. When I use my relapse prevention plan, it reminds me why I WANT to remain clear-minded for the rest of my life.
As I said before, my viewpoint of success is completely different now. It no longer had anything to do with work. To me, success is being content with who I am, embracing where I’ve come from, letting go of control and resentment, letting go of blame and learning forgiveness. I don’t judge other individuals any longer, I avoid drama induced by others and I try to reduce my own drama. I don’t need to satisfy my needs through comparing myself to others. I don’t need a feeling of self-righteousness. Most importantly, I don’t need to hide any longer through addiction. I have no regrets and I do not care what others may assume of me. I feel free, I feel loved and I have now learned how to truly love unconditionally.
My story may or may not be like yours. It doesn’t need to be either. Addiction (and its battles) is a nasty bi*** for anyone to tackle, regardless of what your addiction is/was. Please try to keep a wide open mind and be open to trying any tool that is given to you. Eventually, you will find the tool that’s a perfect fit for you to utilize for your own success. Never give up. There is a ton of hope for your future and it all lies within YOU. If you truly want to defeat this disease, YOU WILL!
The one thing I ask myself every day is, “Do I want to live? Or do I want to live dead?” This question reminds me of where I was and where I never want to be again.
Peace and love to you.