- Alcohol
Hi, my name is Paul and I am an alcoholic.
I was born in Dorchester, MA, in 1967. I grew up with my sister and my two brothers. I am the youngest of our family and had what I consider to be a good life as a child. Our family did not have lots of money back then, but we never knew the difference because we wanted for nothing. My childhood was spent in school and playing football and baseball. In the summer we were never home, as the family would pack up our camper and head to New Hampshire. These memories are of happiness, and I had a ball as a kid. These times were full of adventure and mischief, and the summers seemed to never end. My Dad would take his vacation time from work and would be with us for a few weeks before heading home. My Mom would be with us the entire summer. Summers were great and so was life. My family was intact, and they were important to me.
If you were to ask me back then if we would splinter in time and have nothing to do with each other, I would have said you were crazy. Looking back at my family and at myself now as an adult, it is now easy to see what was reality then and how the future was to be unrecognizable to the life we led as children. I believe resentment played a crucial role in what I consider to be despicable acts of selfishness.
I am an alcoholic as well as an addict. I drank sips of my Dad’s beer when I was knee high, and I eventually got really drunk in 7th grade with my best friend, when he stole a quart of Canadian Club from his Dad and we drank the entire bottle. I was booze sick for three days, and I drank no more for a while. Once I drank the liquor, the anger came out of me with fury. Alcohol drove me “insane” from the jump. I remember the feeling of liquor taking effect even today.
Anger would land me in much hot water in years to come. I was introduced to cocaine at the end of 8th grade by one of my brothers who is ten years older than me. In 1980 cocaine was a huge drug and use was socially acceptable. Looking back, how the hell could it have been acceptable for a kid in the 8th grade? I was a just a kid. I had no idea who I was and quickly found my identity through cocaine and booze. In 9th grade I had an issue with reading, as I was dyslexic. In English class we were reading Beowulf, and I would have raw panic attacks as my time to read got closer. I would sweat; I would be so unnerved that when my time came I could not even read, just mutter. Kids would look at me like I was stupid and smirk, and I felt like dying.
I figured I would try something. I started to drink a half pint of Southern Comfort every day before my class, and guess what. I did not feel panic! I couldn’t read any better, but I didn’t care. I found the “answer.” I found what I had been looking for at that young age. Was I an Alcoholic the first time I got smashed with my friend? I don’t know, and it doesn’t matter. What did matter was that I was now consuming alcohol for a reason. I put that liquid bandage on a problem to make myself feel better, and this was the start of my downfall and a lifelong spiral that would cause me unbelievable pain and torment. I simply loved cocaine, and the booze was my God.
I graduated from high school with honors, as I got good at cheating. I became a cook and that was a perfect fit for me. Everyone I knew drank like me and did drugs. I was in this profession for the next six or seven years, and during that period I went to college. College didn’t go so well, as I was a drunk. At the end I was snorting coke with my psychology teacher, as I had an uncanny ability to know who partied like me. After two and a half years at college I used the money for school to get started in the cocaine business. This was cut short, because I was going to be forced to buy drugs out of South Boston. These guys in South Boston had cornered the market on just about everything. After my life was threatened, I decided a trip to Florida was a good idea. Florida was insane. I had a cocaine habit and an unquenchable thirst for vodka, a combination that put me in very bad circumstances. I thought the move would do me good, but I had brought along me. I moved back home to Massachusetts.
I was called to join the electrical apprenticeship, and I thought this would be the time I finally could get my shit together. It would be a good profession with great money, but I was wrong again. Every time I moved I screwed it all up. My drinking and cocaine use got heavier. It took me ten years to finish a five-year apprenticeship. Every other year they would kick me out because of something I would do such as not getting to work, beating up foremen on the job or getting bad grades because I couldn’t make it to school because would I stop to a bar to have “one” drink. I have never had one beer or drink in my entire life. The phenomena of craving would kick in instantly, and there was no telling if I would even go home.
When I would get kicked out of school, it would always be the same time I was getting kicked out of my apartment. People I would be living with at the time would have had enough of me. I could be gone five or six days then just show up to our house to lick my wounds. I was never physically abusive to any girl I dated, but mental abuse is far worse in my opinion. The kind of mental torture that only an alcoholic can put someone through that loves them. I was selfish and driven by fear. I had all the best intentions in the world but just could not stop drinking. Alcohol always got the better of me and dictated my life. Up to this point in my life I experienced no real consequences other than two drunk driving charges, ruined relationships, loss of respect and court issues. I just did not see a problem. Alcohol and drugs were my identity and my very best friends. They were the two things I relied upon to live.
After 8 halfway houses, 20 detoxes and many arrests for assaults and finding myself homeless too many times it was starting to sink in that it just might be the booze. It took that much for me to finally admit I was an alcoholic. I did not stop, and I would not give in. Fear of giving it up caused me panic. I just drank more.
Years later I found myself living in a tent in the woods. I stayed in the woods for over a year. I defended my right to drink and drug in the worst possible conditions. To drink and kill myself was my right, and I didn’t think there was a way out. I drank vodka every day and started my days off with a quart of Mad Dog 20/20. I was filthy, did not shower and barely ate. The money I got went to vodka. Eventually I got sick and sought a halfway house to lay low. I was not there for treatment really, just to get out from where I was. I still hadn’t had enough. I went on another run and blew through $80,000 from my annuity. I kept going. I ended up in jail once again.
I got out and stayed with a girl that I knew who is now my fiancee. I started to drink again when I was with her, and I turned back into the liar and scumbag I became when vodka touched my lips. After all the horrible things I went through, what became my bottom was this: I came home after work, and I had drunk a pint at work before I left. My girl who is over five years sober looked at me once again coming in drunk, and she just started to cry. She asked me if this was really worth our relationship. I didn’t say anything. I hesitated, because I was thinking it was, that no one will tell me not to drink. I worked all day, so I thought I deserved it. At that point something came over me. I usually would have gone back out to drink more, but instead I just went to bed.
The next day I was compelled to do something. I called a man that would become my sponsor. I finally was at that point where willingness met up with desperation. I started to go back to meetings and joined my sponsor’s home group. I was told to get a job, and I did. I somehow stayed sober, and my sponsor took me through the 12 steps. I had read The Big Book many times, but now those same words jumped out at me. I read those words with the eyes of a man who was dying and sought an answer. I thought it couldn’t be the same book I read years ago.
My sponsor took me through the book, and I worked the steps. We did not mess around, and I did them one after another. He told me to write, and that is what I did. I sat down, prayed and wrote. The biggest, most profound step for me was the ninth. I made my amends. After completing this step I felt amazing to say the very least. I felt like 20 pounds of shame and guilt just fell off my body, shame and guilt I did not know I even carried. I completed the steps. My head was higher in the air now, and I felt like a human being and not the man full of fear that I had been my whole life. I now looked people in the eye.
When I was at meetings, I was connected to the power. I belonged there and no longer sat in the back of the meeting full of fear. I was given the solution, when I received a higher power of my understanding through the process. All those years sitting in meetings, constantly relapsing–of course I kept relapsing! I was an untreated alcoholic that did not have the solution. I just sat in meetings and did not do any work on self. Years before I stayed sober for over four years, but I picked up again with ease. I never changed the guy I was. The answers were in The Big Book the entire time, but I could not see it. I had to get to the point where I could. It was not the jail sentences, the countless hospitalizations, detoxes or any of that. I was able to find my way through the tears of the girl I love. She helped me crack the shell of denial just enough to see some light.
My life has gone full circle. I now work my program daily, 24 hours at a time. I gave my girlfriend a beautiful diamond, and we are to be married next fall. My mother is one of my best friends, and we spend much time together. I go weekly to a sober house to run a 12-Step meeting. I want to be of service to the men in the house and to bring the solution that has saved this alcoholic. I speak of the solution and let other alcoholics know how the steps have changed my life.
True sobriety cannot be obtained without change, and the 12-steps are the answer. The greatest gift is a daily reprieve and my personal relationship with my higher power. My life has been one crazy journey, and I have 100% faith in the 12-steps and my fellowship. I also have 100% faith that alcoholism is a fatal disease, and, if I get complacent, I am a goner. This disease kills so many, before they can receive the gift of sobriety. I am a grateful man, and I have no desire to go back. I continue to push forward. It is now my responsibility to carry the message to anyone that needs it. God bless and peace in your journey.