Practice It Daily

submitted by: Hillary Belk

Cinque is one of my very best friends. He is actually my first healthy relationship with a male. We have been close friends for years now. He has been such an inspiration to many others and me as well. I am so grateful for his story and all the love and light he exudes. I am forever grateful for our friendship and all the many wonderful conversation we have had and will continue to have on this recovery journey. Thank you for being you my dear friend!

How long have you been on your recovery journey?
My journey began on Monday, March 19, 2012.

What is the biggest positive change in your life since then?
I don’t drink and I don’t get high. I am still amazed by the fact I don’t do that anymore. Since I don’t do these things, I got to start a relationship with God.  That is what keeps me from not drinking and getting high. Ultimately the most important thing is I do have a relationship with God, which keeps me from getting high and drinking every day.

What led to your need for recovery (from substance abuse or some other issue)?
Getting messed up too much, I got into the rooms in 09’ because I had some paraphernalia charges that followed me from Guilford County back here to Mecklenburg county. I moved back in with my parents after a few months of couch surfing. I was in literal homelessness up in Greensboro. So the charges followed me here, I had to comply to get these charges dropped, which means I had to do 40 hours of treatment, my second treatment. I had one in 2001 and now we are in 2008, going into 2009. This is not when I got sober, but it was a turning point for me getting into recovery. The season of wake up calls. So I complied with my cousin who was my lawyer, and he told me to go to a spiritual retreat. That would look good for the judge and also do your treatment, because both of those things will look good for the judge.

So I did the retreat and I was holy and was saved. I did not swear or fornicate, I didn’t do any drugs or alcohol, nor did I smoke tobacco. This was for about a month and rationalized that Jesus did not hang around with just the saints, he also hung out with the sinners too. So I decided I am going to go to the bar and shoot pool and drink red bulls and put songs on the jukebox. I was living off an accident settlement at the time that I received from being in a drunken car wreck where I was a passenger and friend was driving drunk and I almost died. So I had money to do this. Then I met a woman in that bar, and before I knew it I was drinking. So then I ended up going to treatment for paraphernalia possession and they sent me to AA in treatment. I didn’t understand why alcohol was my problem, and I mentioned this because you know how they mention the AA booger being thrown on you? Literally it was. I had not related to that at first, but when I really think back it was because I remember being honest in a meeting saying, “Hey, you know, something is wrong and I am getting in a lot of trouble.” My trouble has nothing to do with what you are talking about, DUIs and delirium tremors and stuff like that. I don’t have any problems with alcohol, I am probably going to drink tonight. It is Friday night. I wanted someone to stop me and I wanted someone to tell me something that would make me consider not drinking, but what the man said, you might not be an alcoholic if you go try some more controlled drinking, offended me. At that point I wanted him to stop me.

So basically I continued to drink with a chip on my shoulder I continued to drink and tried to control it. I had heard about the steps and getting a sponsor. Even though my dad had gotten sober years before me, and was continuing to stay sober and I heard of all these things, it was totally foreign language to me. Powerlessness I did not identify with because every piece of evidence pointed to the fact I was not powerless. I looked at all the things I wanted to look at to show I had some power, whether I went on a 3 year beer diet before that, or the fact that alcohol was not my favorite thing. I did try to prove this man incorrect, I can’t control my drinking and over the course of the next 3 years.

I was with the lady that I met at the bar and a lot of character defects came out in that relationship. A lot of resentment and a lot of stuff I didn’t realize I had in me. I was drinking and my girlfriend would be like, “Your drinking is bad.” I would say, “Really? Okay.” So I would go through periods where I could refrain from using after long shifts at work. Go home, make dinner with her, help her with her homework, and smoked some pot and tried to go to sleep, but I could not go to sleep. There were so many nights I would lay in bed and look at the clock, just obsessing about drinking. This season happened for me to really be able to see, once I surrendered and looked back, that, oh yeah, I mentally obsessed about this all the time. There was no other time once I crossed that line and became a daily drinker, there was no other time where I was just really like, “I don’t drink.” Unless I was around my parents and I figured out a way to do it without them knowing, too. So my girlfriend at the time would be asleep, knocked out. I slipped on some clothes to walk out of the house and walk up to the store and get it. I would realize it then that I had the phenomenon of craving. An obsession that was so crazy that I had to fulfill it by drinking. I didn’t realize that at the time I changed my mind, said screw it, everybody is asleep, and no one is up to see me drunk. I can’t hurt anybody and I kept doing that, and then I violated probation after my grandmother died in the summer of 2011. It was alcohol related. At this point I was sent to the Task program at a treatment center in Charlotte. I was sentenced to 3 AA meetings a week, started going to a couple and then started signing my own sheet.

What was the turning point for you?
The whole turning point thing was happening around me and right under my nose without me realizing it, it was divine how I ended up in recovery. I am not a Hero, God is my hero. I failed God. I was raised in church and with a strong religious upbringing. What I was doing was not right, so how dare me ask God for anything. I thought to myself I have to fix this. I then moved into the InTown Suites. After 90 days they reimburse the taxes that you pay for those 13 weeks. So I had expected to get taxes back at the beginning of January. I had my job and I didn’t have to put my income into that. I was hustling and selling drugs. Mostly weed and ecstasy pills and trying to work my way up so when this point comes I could just pay all my probation fees off, I could pay all my charges off. I was thinking I am going to do it right this time, too. I am not going to mess it up. Come December my boss’s dad was sick and passed away on Christmas day. It was not anticipated, but it kept us out of work for a week. No income that week, so that messed up my plans a bit. Not too bad because those days off gave me more time to hit the streets and do what I needed to do so I could get my money situation right.

Then comes New Year’s Eve, 2011, about to be 2012. It was a Saturday, bright outside, and someone robbed me at gunpoint in broad daylight. For everything I had on me except $10 and some cigarettes. He thought he had all of my money. We were down in North Charlotte, in a park between Piedmont Courts and North Davidson Street. These two people were riding a bike down the street across the bridge, and I had seen them and the guy had walked off with my money and turned around to yell that I had not given him everything. Those people were like angels; if it had not been for them, he may have come back. These people just so happened to be riding by at this exact moment. This did not stop me from what I was going to do. It messed up my plans again, but some sanity was starting to get restored because I could not medicate, drink, or get high as often as I had up until this point. I borrowed from my dealer so I could pay him back and I was not getting high. My boss’s son was murdered in Germany while on the job. He was a district attorney and was shot during a court proceeding. Shot three times, center mass. At this point we were out of work again. I was planning on getting all my money back from InTown Suites. My plan was to take care of all my money issues and continue the life I had been leading.

Due to everything going on around me, there goes all my income. While all these mysterious happenings are occurring in my life it had messed up all my plans. I had my rules. The taxes came back, and within those two weeks I was dead broke, but I was able to stay at Intown Suites. Next, comes time to enroll in a treatment program (TASK). I went and did the assessment and lied to the sweet little lady about my uses, because I had done this “song and dance” before. I was going to tell her what she needed to hear so I could get out of there with the bare minimum treatment, and I told her I was not getting high everyday. I wish looking back that I would have at least said to her I had used that day. At this point I had urine in my boxers. It was hidden in a condom; if I had seen this man anywhere else I would have told him, I don’t like you looking at my privates. So at this point I tried to pull it out and puncture it, he saw me do it and I spilled the urine on my hands. It is funny now looking back at it, it was not funny then.

I was feeling like something was wrong, so I went to see my probation officer a few days later for our regular routine. I was supposed to be telling her I got enrolled in the program. Of course she had gotten a letter from the lady. She didn’t even talk about the situation that had happened at the treatment center. She was talking to me about some other stuff and didn’t even talk about it for 20 minutes. I was already in my thermals, ready to go to jail. I had given my brother some money to bail me out, I thought I was about to go to jail, instead she cussed me out. She said to me “You are not going to jail, you are going to go to treatment and get help”. She sounded like my mother. I had been to jail all three summers, it was a revolving door. So I went to another treatment center, did the assessment and was completely honest. It took that for me to tell the truth. I started complying with them. One of the requirements was to get a sponsor. I told them my urine was going to be dirty. Their response, “Good, we expected it would be. It should drop over time.” I drank my last can of beer on March 15, 2012. I did some drugs up until that following Saturday, and that was the last time I put something in my body. Everything that happened brought me here and went against my plans. My sanity being restored is enough for me to say I am not going to go steal, and I actually do not want to go to jail. I want to stay alive, and a year and a half prior to treatment I tried to commit suicide. I never asked for my mind to change about that situation, but there was something that actually made me want to live, actually comply, and so I started doing stuff. That is how I know it is God, I didn’t ask for this. Something came down from Heaven and changed my mind.

What is one important truth you’ve learned through the process?
One important truth I have learned is I am an alcoholic. I am also an addict. I need to know that. That is the most important truth I need to know. I am powerless over alcohol, drugs and everything else. I am allergic and have an allergy, a disease. I have a substance use disorder. My sponsor was able to tell me this in a way that resonated with me because I was mentally suffering over some behavioral stuff early on in recovery and I wanted to commit suicide, I didn’t even want to get high. The obsession to use was removed from me quite fast. Recovery through the 12-Steps, sponsorship and helping other people helps me stay sober. My relationship with God through all of these things is the medicine for my disease. That is the one thing I always need to know, I can’t use safely. I need to remember this every single day.

What are you most proud of about your life today?
I am proud of my parents, because they have both done recovery. My mom has been in Al-anon and my dad has been in recovery. They stood out of the way enough for me to screw up. They were strong enough to let me find my way. I am grateful to have sanity restored, definitely in regards to drinking and taking drugs. Little by little sanity gets restored in other areas if I am willing to take an honest look at myself on this stuff. I have been able to maintain the same job this whole time. I have been there almost six years now. I am just literally grateful because everyday I go into that job is a day I got to work on practicing principles before personalities. I have to practice these principles in all my affairs. I don’t do it perfectly, but they have given me the opportunity to grow as an employee. Before, I would take the liquor. Now I just drink my Gatorade and do my job the best I can. Suiting up and showing up to stuff when I don’t want to and don’t feel like it and taking responsibility for my actions. Normal everyday stuff and I can do what is right.

I have been able to live my passion through music. As long as my motives are okay I can go into clubs and bars to promote it and perform. I can do this because God has given me an assignment to use this gift. God allows my creativity to still be able to produce music. Doors started opening once I got sober. We have been able to step through them while we grow, putting one foot in front of the other. My people drink and get high while we are out doing shows. I hosted a show for four hours while drinking red bull, telling the audience to drink and tip their bartender. Make them happy so we can come back. When I have an assignment to be put around where alcohol is present I can do it. That is a miracle. I have been able to have a great time while out performing and people would swear I was not in my right mind. No, this is really who I am! I didn’t need that stuff in the first place to have fun.

What is one of your biggest struggles in ongoing recovery? How do you overcome that?
One of my biggest struggles in ongoing recovery is consistency. I don’t do everything at one time. I have seasons. At first I felt like I was doing everything all at once because I was scared as hell to drink again. I didn’t even want to drink I was so scared to think about wanting to drink and not be able to fight it. I just did everything I was suggested to do: 90 meetings in 90 days, praying, and meditating. Going to all these different meetings. Praying with people and working with people became a daily ritual. Now that there is more added to my life, I sometimes struggle with the consistency if I might go a season where I am on my knees first thing in the morning, before or at least right after I use the bathroom. Before I even have my morning coffee. Then at night on my knees doing an inventory and thanking God. I also have seasons where I am not doing that and I am still in a conscious contact, I have not lost that yet. The rituals change and it gets hard to get back into certain routines that I know work. It is not really a struggle, it is more my character defects. I am stubborn and lazy. That is what it boils down to, those things. I have not been challenged with a whole lot of crazy struggles. I overcome it by having conscious contact and being aware of what is going on or if I am not doing this right, it does not feel right. I am wrong. I don’t want to admit it, but I am. I turn my life over to the care of God, not to the dictatorship of God or the tyranny of God. I sincerely turn my life and will over to his care. So even though I turn my will over, I like to take it back from time to time. He still cares and allows me not to take a drink over my stuff.

What part of your life do you find most satisfying since you have been in recovery?
Intensive work with another alcoholic is the most satisfying part of my life in recovery. If anything fails nothing ensures recovery more than intensive work with alcoholics. I get a spiritual buzz from it. Once I am working with someone else that is the most genuine I am ever really being, because I about died and I am actually glad I lived and this solution works. Doing this does something, it gives you euphoria. I worked with one particular person who went from being an atheist and not liking God to having spirituality in his life. My life has been spared so I can witness things like this? I don’t deserve to see that, I should be dead. So my life is spared so I can be a tool to help somebody who doesn’t even believe in God end up finding God.

Is there a truth or piece of advice someone shared with you that has helped you on this road?
The biggest thing that stands out is something my sponsor told me at the same time when he told me, “I am not a bad person trying to get good” but “I am a sick person trying to get well”. This was at a time I was stone cold sober and suicidal. I didn’t even want to drink or get high. A lot of people struggle with the whole “God” thing. The 12/12 says something about people that have had religion and God in their life sometimes struggle even more than those who have no concept of God. My sponsor introduced me to an all loving and all forgiving God. A God that did not need my permission to forgive me for the stuff I had done. I am here now sober and feeling guilt, shame, and remorse, carrying a lot of resentment towards myself. Stuff I had not felt before because I was too busy getting high to fully experience it. He said that God already forgave me these things, and anything that I’ve done that is so big and terrible that I can’t forgive myself means I must think I am better than God. I guess it has continued to help me open up to recovery so that I can let go of ego and those feelings that I am undeserving and so unworthy. It is like a flipped ego problem that I love to spiritually and emotionally mutilate myself. Ultimately I am dissing God when I do that, because God saved my life and I am his child and creation. I didn’t ask to be here, He has me here for a reason. When I beat myself up too much that is useless, that can’t help anybody. I want some attention from somebody, so it is self centered and messed up when I am like that and I am basically slapping God in the face. It’s like saying to him, “You are wasting your time having your grace and mercy upon me.” The way my sponsor put this to me really helped me in my sharing it with other people, where I see it has been useful and helpful for other people that God is all loving and all forgiving. I am where I am today; I am not expected to be walking on water. I have to grow from here. I thank God for my character defects because they keep me needing God. So that is how I keep growing. When I mess up, I am a human being and I mess up. If I need to make an amends, I make it. This is called the tenth step. That can help somebody, but if I am really doing my work I want to take that up with God and ask how I grow out of it. I have to keep myself right sized with God. I need to be humble enough to know that I am human and I screwed up and I still need help in this area.

What would you tell someone who is at the beginning of his/her recovery journey and is afraid he/she can’t do it?
Stay in the middle. Ask yourself, “Have I had enough?” If you read the doctor’s opinion with somebody who can explain it to you and your reaction to it is, “This is me,” that is being honest. If you can concede to your innermost self that you are an alcoholic and you can’t drink successfully ever again, you are on the right track. You can be scared all you want to, please be scared enough to do what someone with experience tells you to do. If you have a lurking notion at all, I think I can agree with this stuff, this sounds a lot like me, but I think I can do it a different way, go try! So you can get to a place where you are scared enough to do something different. Fear had me doing whatever you told me to do. It is a God deal, either you are going to be willing or you are not. If you keep coming back, something will stick and you will end up being restored to sanity. If you stay long enough things will change. Stay in the rooms and stay talking to people. At the end of Dr. Bob’s Nightmare it says, “If you go about it with one half the zeal you have been in the habit of showing when you were getting another drink, your Heavenly Father will never forsake you”. I equate some parts of the program to how I got high. For instance, I could not get by without drinking or doing drugs and doing so “took the edge off”. Today I pray and meditate and that will feel normal. Talking to another alcoholic and going to meetings “takes the edge off”. You have to continue to practice it daily to not lose it.

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