- Alcohol
- Drugs
When I came into recovery April 22, 2011 I was one of the most dishonest people walking on this planet. Or so I felt I was. This dishonesty pushed me down the abyss and blanketed me in guilt and shame and guilt and shame till I was suffocated by my own heavy addiction, delusion and insanity. I was so sick I actually believed my own lies. Why did I lie? I don’t know the answer to that except for the fact that I have been told it is a symptom of the disease of addiction.
Me thinking that I was the only dishonest person on this planet was the very first lie I lived and if I had known different perhaps I would have gotten out sooner, so today I chose to share on this topic in hopes that it may save another.
When I rose up from the depths of hell on that day in April I was told by my predecessors that if I participated in a 12 step program that honesty is something we learn to do and that it was one of the assets that will get me right with others, myself and a God of my understanding. I was also told that I may flail here but I always have the opportunity to repair and make things right by a daily reprieve and spot check on my intentions, my feelings and myself. My predecessors were right. And so here I stand with six and half years clean on October 30th, 2017.
So what is honesty? Interestingly enough when I came in I knew so little of what honesty truly meant. My ideas of honesty when I came in looked childlike in nature; don’t flat out lie to others and don’t steal from others. As I progressed forward I learned that this was the smallest piece of the greater whole. I have learned that in order to live a true life of freedom from my disease that there is “rigorous honesty” in recovery. Not only is this judgmental to building a solid foundation with others around me… but also with myself.
Honest with myself you say – Be BRUTALLY honest with myself? What does this mean?
It means, I no longer need to cling to false pride. Rather, I am learning to love myself justifiably as I nobly (and awkwardly) strive for rigorous honesty. I am learning to love myself by making an effort to progress forward facing, not always – and rarely – with perfection. I must love myself for being honest about my fallibility and about my weaknesses. I must love myself as I walk down the perfectly imperfect path of recovery… two steps forward, one back… two steps forward, one back…but never three back or I may be doomed.
Rigorous Honesty is one of the most respected of all moral characteristics. Honesty without accountability and integrity does not hold much weight. Rigorous honesty is truly nothing short of hard work but hard work that is so incredibly gratifying. It takes courage, after all, to speak my real truth – not just what I think others want to hear. It takes huge amounts of strength to be vulnerable, readily admit my wrongs, stay current with the people in my life and to acknowledge to those close to me the truth of who I really am – even if my voice shakes while doing so. It takes determination and humility to discipline myself daily to share my different realities, pains and struggles. If I want to have some solid real relationships in my life I must be honest every single day on where I am at physically, mentally and spiritually – this is the core liberating work of what healthy, honest, recovery looks like.
To achieve true intimacy in my life, I must challenge each and every ‘message’ from another that has and will continue to lead me astray or add salt to my already open wounds that are not completely healed as of yet. In doing this, I will have come to know the most transparent, honest version of myself possible to give back to that one who deserves me for who I am. Which today I might add proudly, is a lot. Today I love others and myself and I love fiercely. This is not possible without a pause button to not act or lash out – I must take a good look at what is coming up for me to be able to respond honestly and without judgment.
Honesty is nothing short of an act of love – to others, to myself, and towards my higher power. It is in this place of honesty that I truly connect. It is here that I feel genuinely a part of others around me and to my God of my understanding. It is here that I not only survive, but I thrive. Simply stated, the language of recovery is truth and rigorous honesty.
So there is self-honesty in a nutshell. But how do we look beyond the obvious of what rigorous honesty towards others means? I would like to help generate ideas by sharing a list in point form:
- Every time I fail to assert a boundary… I am being dishonest.
- Every time I opted to continue in an unhealthy relationship, a relationship with no prospect of a healthy future… I am being dishonest.
- Every time I said “yes” to someone when I meant “no”… I am being dishonest.
- Every time I stood by as unkindness was being perpetrated to an innocent bystander, saying nothing to make sure to not ‘rock the boat’… I am being dishonest.
- Every time I allowed another person to direct my actions beyond my belief system I have worked hard on building… I am being dishonest.
- Every time I permit resentments to fester rather than risk speaking up and stating how I felt and or by not allowing time in my life to write a step 4 to repair these resentments… I am being dishonest.
- Every time I said I was okay – to myself or to another – when in reality I am anything but… dishonest.
- Every time I allow someone to harm me or disrespect me without addressing his or her behavior towards me. Dishonest.
- Did I unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion or bitterness towards someone I love and or respect today? That’s right.. Dishonest.
- When I do not bring my God into my life every morning and throughout my day to guide me. I am suffering in a form of dishonest living.
- When I lead someone on to get what I want, when I want and how I want it… Duh. Dishonest.
- When walking in my defects of Control and Ego these are signs of fear-based dishonesty.
- Walk with Integrity. That being ‘what I do when know one is watching’. This is pure honesty.
- Slow down. Pause. Breath. Think before I speak or act. Pray. Call someone if I feel myself going ‘shady’ in my ways. Yes, this still happens to me today as I get displaced or bored in my recovery… I must stay in touch with my dishonest patterns and cycles.
This list could go on and on, but for me this is a pretty good spot check of how rigorous honesty needs to be applied to my life so I don’t slide too far back in my recovery.
In a nutshell, rigorous honesty means telling the truth when it may be easier to lie and sharing my thoughts and feelings even when there may be consequences to my actions. While it is important to be honest about when I’m acting out in my addiction, rigorous honesty extends to every aspect of life. It involves not only refraining from verbal direct lies, but also nonverbal indirect lies (manipulating, harming, ‘grey area’, cheating, flirting, passive aggressiveness, etc.). I must bring forward an awareness of my own fears, limiting beliefs and unhealthy patterns to a solid friend or my sponsor in order to look at my dishonest patterns. I am also required to have authentic relationships that leave room for struggles and failures, setting boundaries, and living in accordance with my own values and spiritual principles. If I am judged or tossed by these people today in my life – they were just not meant to be next to me.
How do I know when I’m on the right path in my recovery and in strengthening my honesty muscle? When I have good, solid, supportive friendships that I can be completely transparent with along with a healthy, challenged personal relationship that I give as much as I take, and when I have that feeling of not sliding on sandpaper or walking up an escalator going down.
I have worked hard on being someone different than who I was in active addiction and this that I share above has never steered me wrong when rigorously applied in ALL areas of my life today.
God, may I speak now with honor, dignity, humility and love. And may all those people who accept my failures, defects, weaknesses, strengths, beliefs and assets for what they are, continue to walk forward facing with me and beside me if they so deserve and I so deserve them. Thank you God for my honesty today as I know it will allow me to continue to live my life sober, clean and present and of maximum service to myself, you and others.