- Drugs
Submitted by: Jamie Thompson
When I was 12, my mom left my father and we moved North. Kids made fun of me because of my southern accent. I always felt inadequate in such a strange place. Later that year, I got high for the first time with some new friends. It was the first time in my life I didn’t feel sad or ‘not good enough’. In the beginning, I laughed all the time when I was high.
Getting high really worked for me, because I had been feeling so much misery from the circumstances of my life.
I continued to use all through high school. I met my son’s father when I was 16 and went to his house for a party. He was 21 and had a ton of drugs. I was in heaven. He was the man of my dreams. After I got pregnant, I moved in with him. The relationship had no chance of being healthy because we used dope together.
After I had my son, I went back to school even though my son’s father forbade me to go. I tried to be supermom by raising my son, going back to school full-time and constantly getting high. Resentments started to arise against my classmates who were attending dorm parties and having fun. There I was, raising an infant and commuting. I became friends with a guy in one of my classes and when I told him I had a baby, he never talked to me again. I fell victim to the shame and guilt of being a young mother. Despite all this, I graduated college and broke up with my son’s father.
I soon found myself in a new relationship with a guy that I committed a lot of crimes with. I spent some time in jail after being arrested for burglary. All through that, I never once thought I had a problem with addiction; not even when I started stealing to get high. It was all normal to me up to that point. Even my idea of parenting was distorted when I thought verbal abuse and rage were okay, especially when I was hungover or coming down. All my relationships were controlled by my outbursts. I had no control over my emotions whatsoever in my active addiction.
Despite my newly earned degree, I thought being a bartender and a stripper were the best jobs for me. The feeling of shame grew stronger as I used people to get everything, including the money and drugs I wanted. The last time I used, I was supposed to be home to decorate for my youngest son’s birthday. I showed up early the next day as I thought I was dying from withdrawals. My mom took me to detox and the nurse handed me a pamphlet and told me I needed to go to a 12-Step meeting, to which I was in total disagreement. The stereotype of a drug addict and my self-image didn’t match. My thoughts were that I just didn’t have the willpower to moderate. I was very resistant, but I did give the 12-Steps a try.
I had members told me that they feared me for a long time because I was so angry. I used to throw temper tantrums because I wanted to use. As I began to work the program, I started to get better. I was doing more than ‘not using’– I was recovering.
I became part of a women’s group that helped me to grow strong and to develop my spirituality. The freedom I began to feel was incredible. Unconditional love became a part of my daily life. It has been over seven years since I last used. I am grateful for the clarity and the miracles that continue to happen today. Being able to deal with life and my emotions without drugs is such a blessing. Life continues to throw punches at me and I fall sometimes, but I keep going.