- Alcohol
- Drugs
This is a little glimpse of where I came from. I was born in 1968 in Bay City, Texas, to two wonderful Parents who love me, but were also battling alcoholism and father was battling sexual abuse amongst other things.
I was fed liquor in my bottle, beat by my father, and tortured by baby sitters all the way up to 5 years of age. I was used in some sort of ritual that my babysitters were doing, one time I was blindfolded and they would run a knife across my throat. At other times they would take my thumb and forefinger, spread that part of my hand, and run me through the chicken yard letting roosters bite my hand. I told my mom about it but she didn’t take it serious! I told her I wanted a knife to be able to fight back when they do that to me, so she gave me a plastic picnic butter knife.
My brothers, sisters and I were all put in foster homes in Texas. My mom got us back and left us at my grandparents for a few months so she could go to Minneapolis and find a place to live and a job. My grandmother didn’t really have a lot of patience for kids, we were made to stay out all day until it got dark, then we were allowed to come in the house, only to eat lima beans, and then go straight to bed. Then after a few months our mom came to get us. She had found a boyfriend and a place to live. Needless to say it wasn’t a good place and neither was her boyfriend. He was an alcoholic and a pedophile, most of her boyfriends were, and we were babysat by them a lot! They were inappropriate with us kids! One day my mother failed to come home and her boyfriend wasn’t there for a couple days. When he showed up to check on us, he was mad at my mom. He whipped me after pulling me out of the bathtub wet because my brother was crying for getting soap in his eyes. It left thick welts on me. Then he called the county and once again we became wards of the state.
To make a long story short; up and until about age twelve, give or take, we were also placed in group homes, shelters, and in and out of rehab centers and, a few times, given up for adoption. When my mom was on a binge she would put us up for adoption, then when she was sobering up she would take us back. My mom did fight tooth and nail to kick her addiction to alcohol, and to get us back out of foster care to come live with her. But it was inconsistent. We would visit from the shelter. She would for some reason, I think to keep me out of her hair, give me these porno magazines, to look at. So I was exposed to a lot of “adult things”. When she was on track then she would be in control of schedules and keep things in order, then she would let go of her focus and go back to the bottle again and back we would go to the shelter. While I was in the shelter waiting on yet another foster home, I chose one to where it seemed fine, and all seemed well and good. But how can one know the intentions of someone’s alter reasons? Long story short I was sexually abused in the one I chose.
That forced me to think about things differently from that point on: knowing already that the world is not a nice place and that people aren’t who they seem to be. So I grew to become a very angry dis-trusting and destructive young man. Drugs, alcohol, crime and many, many sexual partners…the more violent I could be in the eyes of the world seemed to make the pain and anger I felt easier to deal with. The more chemicals I could shove into my body the better it seemed. I didn’t mention at the age of 13 1/2 my brothers, sisters and I started going to a Salvation Army summer activity program. Our mom wanted us out of her hair so she made us go! It was there that I accepted Jesus into my heart. Well, I said the prayer they told me to say. I didn’t realize what I was doing at the time, they said I would be saved! I just knew I wanted to eat the food, have fun there, and to go smoke pot, be with my friends, and sleep with more girls!
But this is how faithful God is: His word says, “I will never leave You nor forsake You” and wow was He right! For many years after that I continued to do drugs and sleep with girls, not realizing that the whole time Jesus was still living in my heart and I was dragging Him through some mucky stuff. His light remained to shine through me even through all the garbage I drug Him through! There were times others would notice something about me that seemed different, like being pleasant and a no quit attitude. There were times I couldn’t deny God’s presence! When I felt His conviction I would rededicate. It would last for a season and He would deliver me from this and that, but I never fully committed to Him and would go back to doing what I was delivered from. Like the Bible says, when you clean house those spirits leave and come back with 7 worse than themselves and, if one isn’t consistent in the word and prayer, they are able to re-inhabit the house and make the condition of the man 7 times worse than before! And that went on for quite a few years!
This faulty, paper thin relationship and that one solely based on sex, and experimenting with just about any drug I could take and using amounts enough to kill a person. I almost forgot to mention that out of two of those relationships I had two children. I meant to marry my daughter’s mom, but she was unfaithful to me after we had my daughter. I left her and went on a very destructive, angry drug binge! Then I met my son’s mom and her and I tried to form something based on just sex and drugs. Needless to say, that it didn’t work. Same thing, infidelity again, so I really didn’t care at this point.
I would do crank, meth, glass, acid and take pills and smoke pot all at the same time. My body didn’t know what to feel. All I knew was that when I was on that junk, I didn’t feel any pain and didn’t think about my kids. I used to run meth. I would go to all the hotel parties with my bag of tricks. I was staying up for up to 14 days straight, weighing in at a whopping 130lbs at 6’1”. Eventually my body couldn’t put up with that for too long, and I cried out to God and one of my friends showed mercy on me. He gave me morphine and I crashed for two or three days…not too sure. All I know is that when I closed and locked the door there were conversations going on in that room, the walls were dripping, and I was sweating bullets.
When I woke, I went downstairs to where I would take part in the garbage eating. It looked different to me and I decided there and then that I was done with that junk. But, I still smoked pot because I didn’t think that was that bad. I had quite a number of bad relationships here and there, worked this job and that one, and kept seeing evidence of the Lord working on my heart. Others would notice things at times that I couldn’t see. I could go on for quite a while with a great number of details, but it’s just a repeat of mistakes and trials and tribulations.
Finally I started to recognize that Our Loving Wonderful Savior was calling out to me and letting me know that I was headed straight for hell. I actually started listening and the convictions became more and more evident. I started obeying and learning to actually submit all of the things that were causing a separation in the relationship that Jesus wanted to have with me. Wow! I am blessed and grateful of His patience and love that is more powerful than anything we can imagine! Thats what He desires of all of us! I am so grateful to Him, that He is faithful and holds true to His every word!
Today I have rededicated to Him and I have fully committed. I am so happy He is so forgiving and loving! He is leading me into things and places I would have never dreamed of going and taking part of. I am a walking, living, breathing example of what God’s grace is sufficient for me means, and does, and His enduring love and patience! I am saved by Grace, and I stay focused because of my love of my Savior Jesus Christ! It’s just like He says, “Draw close to me and I will draw nigh to thee.” He holds true to every one of His promises, and upholds all the principles that He created on this earth and beyond. The Bible has everything we need to know to live a sin free life from here on out. No, I am not saying I don’t sin, I am saying that I purpose not to and when I do I am quick about admitting it to My Lord, in humility and brokenness, with a genuine regret for letting Him down.
That’s a little about myself, old self, and new self…I am happy to say that today I am completely drug free: no meth, no acid, no coke, no pills, no pot and no cigarettes! No sexual debauchery, no porn and all of the glory and praise goes to God! I learned, and am learning still, that one isn’t as usable to God when we are numbed by the drugs, any drugs, and let the things of this world easily persuade us! When we fully commit to Him then He can really speak to us and we can really hear Him! Our desires are completely different and our focus as well!
Thank you for reading my testimony. I hope and pray that it speaks to even one person, and they come to know the Lord on a personal level as He wants from each of us, as a loving caring Father wants from any of His Children. God bless your heart, your mind, your soul, and your family and friends! I wanted to give anybody that hears this story a little glimpse of me, who I am, where I have been, and where I am headed. Jesus Christ is my aim and focus nowadays. He never left me and I left Him many times, He teaches me daily that His love abounds and will last through anything! I praise God with extreme conviction and happiness in Him!
Thank you for letting me share. My hope and prayer is that something in this has touched you and given you hope! Because that’s what God wants to do for each and every one of us. He loves you! He loves me! Jesus Christ died and shed His blood so that we can have forgiveness of sins and we all know what sins are, those bad things like killing, lying, stealing, premarital sex, etc. But the good news is your slate can be wiped clean, Jesus made that possible. The Bible says in the book of John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that He gave His only son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life.”
“If we confess our sin with our mouth and believe in our hearts that Jesus is God’s only son, and that He did die on the cross for us we are saved.” Rom. 5:8, and saved means from an eternal torment of fire that burns the soul! Hell is very real and so is the Devil. I know you know what evil is, anyone who owns a soul, and that is all of us, knows right from wrong, good from evil. I pray that you make the right decision. The Bible also says that when you are saved that the entire heavens rejoice!
I don’t know about you, but to me that is very exciting! God Bless you in your decision. Thank you for reading my Testimony. If you need someone to pray with you or answer questions you may have, get ahold of me. I want to be a blessing to anyone. I pray I can answer your questions. Thank You! And to this day I am, by the amazing grace of all mighty God, staying sober, despite the measly attempts by the enemy, which is the same old tired bag of tricks. Once a person learns how to use the discernment that God gives each one of us, some more than others, a person can see those attempts from a mile away and knows, because they have been there, where it leads to. But being a good loving Father He doesn’t withhold good gifts from His children. The Bible says, “Ask and it shall be given you.” Jesus says, “Ask what you will, in My Father’s name, and it shall be given to you.” I asked for the same wisdom like He gave Solomon and God makes good on all His promises. One will learn all of them when you get into that word!
Since I have gotten serious about the Lord and my sobriety, I have been blessed with leadership roles. I am the Assimilation Coach at my support group, which is a wonderful blessing. God gives those who are faithful many opportunities to bless others. Being loving is so much more rewarding than being hateful, which I used to be. Praise God for salvation, sobriety, and sanctification! We are the salt of the earth, let’s all use that second chance God gave us and season the earth for the kingdom! God bless you and thank You for taking the time to read my testimony in which I give God all the glory and honor and praise! Do you know how cool it is when the lights come on? When you have been living in the dark? I am like a sponge ready to receive all of God’s instruction. Being given wisdom and knowledge from the word of God concerning the enemy the gloves are off! I won’t try to take him on, or entertain him a second longer. Nope, I come to the King of Kings, the one who created him, and I know I got no worries because it’s in the more than capable hands of almighty God.