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My name is Shanah M. I am a recovering alcoholic and this is my story.
As I approach my 4th birthday I am taking the time to reflect on where I started. I wrote this on my 2nd birthday. This new life I life is nothing short of a miracle, here is a little about me. Thank you.
2 years sober: Something I never thought I could say. 2 years of the most beautiful life that any girl could ask for. Let me start from the beginning. I am an alcoholic of the hopeless & helpless variety. I drank every day. I drank to celebrate. I drank to mourn. I drank to relax. I drank to party and dance. I drank because I could. I drank to live. In the beginning, I had no idea I was different from anyone else. I didn’t realize that when I drank I changed. One drink and it was on. I could be the sweetest girl in the world, or an evil, vindictive hateful person. I ruined relationships, lost jobs and I hurt the people that I care about the most. I did all of this with no second thought, no remorse, no heart at all. I always told myself that, ” If they didn’t like it, well that was their fault!” I was a tornado in the lives of my family and friends, causing wreckage everywhere I went. I was a party girl just having a good time, and my best friend was alcohol.
After a few years of, “Just having fun” I became “Shanah, the black-out drinker.” Talk about scary. When the black-outs started happening I thought everyone did it. I had one drink and lost a whole day.
I would go out with a few friends and woke up having had no idea how I got there, what I had done, or who I needed to apologize to first. I was constantly bruised, bumped up, road rash, lost phones, lost my whole purse, or I wouldn’t know where my car was. I was always asking, “What happened last night, where did we go?” Life had become a blur.
It wasn’t until November 9th 2012 after a long day/afternoon/night, of drinking that it hit me like a freight train. I had lost control and drinking was no longer a choice. It was a necessity. I was no longer having a good time. I was drinking daily to drink off the choices I made the day prior. I drank to forget, to run and to get away from me.
At first I cried. I sobbed asking myself, “How did I do this? How did I get this bad, when did I lose the choice to drink? When did I lose myself in alcohol?” I got on my knees and I cried. I begged GOD for help. I knew I couldn’t change on my own. My self-will had gotten me here. I was in hell. The lowest place in hell that I had no idea existed. I had made my home there and lived there for god-only-knows how long. I had NO ONE ELSE to blame but myself. I knew that day that I had a serious problem and I needed to find a solution.
So I went to a place where I knew I would find people like me…a 12 Step meeting. I went the following morning with the taste of alcohol still in my mouth and coming from my pores. I found a seat in the corner of the room, I listened to the people share their stories. What they used to be like, what happened and what they are like now. When it was my turn I couldn’t even speak. I sobbed the whole meeting, I knew I was home in that room with complete strangers. I have never taken another drink since.
In the last 2 years, everything has changed. GOD has given me a new lease on life and blessed me with so much more than I deserve. I have regained trust from my family that I had lost so long ago. My husband has been by my side every single day. He has supported me, encouraged me and loved me even when I didn’t love myself. I have an amazing support system with my family and a few close friends. My son couldn’t be happier about the changes I have made and continue to make daily. He is my number one cheerleader.
I am 9 months pregnant and expecting my daughter to arrive any day. I have rebuilt the relationships that I once burned to the ground. It wasn’t always easy, I had to fight like hell in the beginning of my sobriety. Every time I have felt like life was too much, I remind myself that fighting like hell to be a better person, mother, sister, daughter and friend was a lot easier then living in hell. I know because I have been there.
Today when I wake up I have a clear conscience. I no longer live in a world filled with regret, anger or shame. When I look in the mirror I like the woman I see, even more… I love her. I am happy in my own skin today and thankful for the struggle. I know that I will always be an alcoholic, but at least I am a happy and sober alcoholic living a life of recovery.
My name is Shanah, I am an alcoholic and today is my 2nd Birthday! All by the grace of GOD.