- Alcohol
- Friends & Family
- Mental Health
My alcoholism had a fairly good death-grip on me when I was in my twenties, and when the tragedy of 9/11 occurred in 2001, I lost all faith in humanity and basically gave up on living. I was determined to kill myself by drinking and made a concerted effort to do just that.
Eventually, I woke up in the psychiatric ward in San Francisco General Hospital, restrained to the bed. It was the middle of the night and I had flashes of memory of how I got there. I was terrified! I screamed, “help me!” like a child stuck in a nightmare, into the blackness.
After that, a serene, calm feeling came over me. I knew from that moment that I had a choice. I could follow the guidance of people trying to help me or I could give up and die. I went to twelve step meetings regularly. I practiced meditation and learned to ask for help.
I practiced abstinence for close to ten years. Through those years, I got very busy with a wonderful life. I met the love of my life and we had two daughters, but in that, I found less and less time for the twelve step meetings and mindfulness.
I relapsed and tried to “control” my drinking for a couple of years. It was misery! I felt like I just wanted to fit in. I hated myself and couldn’t even look in the mirror.
Thankfully, I returned to my twelve step group with my tail between my legs. I tried to keep up a facade that I had not relapsed but that crumbled quickly. You see, the community of people who are in recovery do not judge or measure your time as success. I felt that it is far more important to have the capacity to be completely honest, to free myself from the bondage of secrecy and the double-life I was living in alcoholism.
I call myself the “breakaway girl” in my mind, as a reminder to strive to do the things that are right for me and my recovery. Sometimes I don’t fit in, but I’m okay with that. My sisters and brothers in recovery are always there to offer support and love. I find it helps me in my recovery when I support other alcoholics especially someone new to abstinence. I am proud of the mother and wife I have become in recovery.