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Submitted by: Margaret Phillips
I was a very low-bottom drunk in every sense of the word. I “functioned” for over 20 years or so (I thought), but at the end, everything was unraveling quickly. It was as if I had become delusional and totally out of touch with reality. I was living like a savage and no longer cared about anyone or anything. If I didn’t drink, I felt as though I would die and that feeling was so real.
I got some consecutive DUI charges and was put into a court-ordered rehab program. At the time, I was not in a place of surrender, but I agreed to the program as a way to reduce my charges. It would be three months before I could start that program because it was something new the county I lived in was instituting. During that time, I just went through the motions as I was instructed, yet I was still not at a place of full surrender or understanding.
After the three months of waiting, I entered treatment for the fourth time. I walked through the doors of the facility after being dry for three months, so my head was clearer than it had been any of the other previous times. I could hear was what being said and it actually made sense. The blessing was that I had a counselor that really challenged me and my crazy thinking. This counselor kept telling me how selfish and self-centered I was. Initially, I was appalled and what was being said to me. My first thought was, ‘how dare you talk to me like that!’ However, it woke me up. I was forced to look at myself– something I had never done.
One night, I heard a guy sharing his story at a meeting we all attended. He talked about how he couldn’t “get” this recovery thing at first and kept relapsing. At some point, he finally came to terms with the fact that he was an addict and knew he had to accept that. He added that accepting it didn’t mean he had to like it. It only meant that he just couldn’t use anymore.
For whatever reason, I finally heard what I needed that night. His story became the catalyst for a huge shift in my thinking. When I left treatment, I was strapped with an ankle alcohol monitor that could detect if I had been drinking. It was the best thing that ever happened to me! In previous treatment centers, I would leave thinking, ‘I’ve got this under control,’ but I was still crazy as a loon. I wore that ankle monitor for a long time and it saved my life. I had to walk everywhere (including my meetings) because I had lost my license. The community where I lived was small so people would know if I wasn’t at meetings. It was the perfect setup for my recovery. I was 100% accountable in so many areas and that is how I found true recovery.
Lots of prayers were answered for me from many people, including my own children. The program and prayers got me to see how sick I really was. For more than a year, I had to wear the monitor and be held accountable including at my 12-step meetings. Having the courts completely supervise everything I did was a perfect way for me to sustain my recovery and give my brain time to retrain how it thought.
I had to take screens drug/alcohol screenings each week, do group therapy, and attend meetings. This was by far the hardest thing I had ever done. It was also hard on my family. The house had to be totally clean of alcohol and drugs per the courts. When I graduated from the court program, I had one and a half years of true sobriety. I was scared when I graduated, but the program’s accountability prepared me enough to know what to do. I’ve been sober since May 13, 2010, and my life has totally transformed.
I have been of part of my 12-step program by being involved in all aspects, including sponsorship. When I get asked to share my story I do it in the program or through other avenues such as area high schools. The toughest talk I had ever given was at a high school. Those teenagers drilled me with questions, and honestly it was hard to answer some of them. One question in particular was, “Why did your husband marry you if you were a drunk?” I responded with, “He was a fool, but he also divorced me.”
My counselor in court program made me write out my one-year, five-year and ten-year goals. At first, I thought this is crazy and couldn’t think of anything past the first year. Eventually, I put a few goals on paper (written as a letter to myself) that seemed pretty lofty. A year later, my counselor sent me those goal letters I had written. In four years, I had already done everything on my list up to the ten-year mark. Retirement planning– check. Have money in the bank– check. I went from no job to owning my own business that is doing amazingly well.
I’ve become very motivated and ambitious in recovery and I love it! My kids trust me now, which means the world to me since my oldest daughter witnessed so much. Before recovery, my life was very superficial with no sustenance. Now, I understand gratitude because I can feel it! I finally feel the way I always wanted to. I’m responsible today and lots of people trust me so I never take that for granted. It’s a big deal for me today. Having self-awareness changed how I performed my job as a massage therapist. Now I can connect with my clients’ mind, body, and spirit whereas before it was just mind and body. It’s awesome. I’m more in tune with them and myself which totally changed how I work. I couldn’t get it before but now everything makes sense.
I started running a year ago when my 15-year-old daughter had to do a 10K. To show my support for her, I signed up to do the 5K and I didn’t even run. However, the whole world became more attractive to me as I felt energized and loved it. I started out slowly and not only did that 5K but completed my first marathon in November 2016. Running has become mother and daughter time that I wouldn’t trade for the world.
In the past couple of years, I’ve felt more grounded and complete. I’m able to handle life’s many situations which is truly a blessing. I literally lost everything and now have more than I could ever imagine. I used to think the best I could ever hope for was mediocre. Today I’m not OK with just mediocre.