- Alcohol
- Drugs
- Friends & Family
submitted by Susanne Johnson
All my life I never felt like I belonged or knew what my purpose was. I was close to my mom. I felt like she understood me the most. I was just a kid and scared of living on my own and paying bills. I was also scared of dying. Weird I know, but that was me as a kid. I was always trying to fit in and get attention.
When I was getting ready for kindergarten, I was being difficult when picking out what to wear, and my dad ripped my shirt up right in front of me. I blocked it out but never got close to him. I never got close to any men unless you were a school friend.
When I was in fifth grade, my dad lost his job. My sister and I were fighting over counter space in the bathroom while getting ready for school. I remember my dad picking me up under my armpits, placing me in the doorway of my room and beating the hallway closet door into oblivion right in front of me. I blocked that out too and acted like everything was fine. I was good at acting like anything I had to for me to fit in. In fourth grade we had a cop come to school to talk to us about, “Just say no to drugs.” I told myself that when the chance came, I was doing them.
My upbringing was pretty normal except for the situations I mentioned. In eighth grade my mom passed away from cancer, and life sucked. I gave up and drank, smoked pot and did cocaine, heroin, ecstasy, LSD and pills as often as I could. I was trying to die by overdose because I was afraid of using a gun. I felt completely numb. The only feeling I could feel was pain. All those drugs I named were what I was on when my mom got sick and after she passed. I shot up too.
I was court-ordered to go to rehab. I later wrote the judge a thank-you letter for saving my life. I wasn’t remotely done partying yet, but I would have been dead way before now if he hadn’t sent me away.
I was molested by my manager at my job while living in the chemical-free living center at rehab. I was court-ordered to rehab for a month, but my dad pretty much just left me there for eight months until I finally called him and said it was time to come get me. I kept using. I am a liar, a cheater and a thief.
I now have a little over three years clean since November 26, 2011. I am finally the person I was before I got hooked on drugs. I married my beautiful wife in 2004, and she gave my life a new meaning. She is very understanding and a great supporter of my program. The program, God and the people in the program have saved my life. I live in steps 10, 11 and 12. I pay it forward and try to help everyone I can. I know who I am, and I remember where I came from. I have to, or I will go out again. I live one day at a time, and I live free from the mental obsession and phenomenon of craving. The program does work if you choose to work it. No one is ever alone unless they choose to be.
This is a short version of my story. Today I don’t have to use no matter what. Using is not an option today. Alcohol is also a drug. If no one has told you, “I love you,” today, then I just did. We are all family in this deal. One day at a time!