Trust: It Can Eventually Come Back
As the parent of someone in long-term recovery, I often tell people that I don’t look back on my experiences with my son to remember how bad things were; I look back to see how far we’ve come.
The other day I was ruminating about the past and remembering how difficult the early days of my son’s addiction were. The actual addiction was hard enough to deal with. But the “side effects” of the addiction were even more troubling.
Back in October of 2009, I wrote in my personal blog about the dishonesty my son had been exhibiting. Things—valuable things—were disappearing from our house on a regular basis and my son denied having anything to do with it. Of course, I knew he was lying. I was reminded of a powerful passage I had read in Beverly Conyers’s book Addict in the Family: Stories of Loss, Hope, and Recovery:
“Closely related to denial is dishonesty. Dishonesty encompasses the evasiveness and lies, big and small, that addicts employ in their attempts to control the world . . . A small joke that hints at the denial and dishonesty at the heart of an addict’s world goes like this: An alcoholic will steal your wallet and lie about it. A drug addict will steal your wallet, then help you look for it.”
Up until his addiction, I had trusted my son implicitly. Unfortunately, when money, video cameras, and even the PlayStation and all its games vanished from the house, that trust withered away and died. I wrote in my blog:
“I often wonder if I will ever be able to totally trust my son again.”
It’s a very uncomfortable and sad feeling when you realize you can no longer trust your loved one. For me, the most heartbreaking part of that realization wasn’t so much the actual lack of trust. Instead, it was wondering if the trust would ever come back. I wasn’t sure it would, and that was disturbing.
Trust develops over time. But it can be wiped out in a heartbeat. I wanted so desperately to get to a place in our relationship where I didn’t have to stop and wonder if what my son was telling me was the truth or just another fabrication. But that place seemed so far away.
Over the years there were several times when I thought my trust in my son was slowly starting to return. Then something would happen and we’d be right back at square one again. Each one of those times was a disappointment and I learned not to be so quick to think things were changing. The trust needed more time to grow.
In June of 2013, when my son was 11 months clean and sober, I regained my trust in him. It was three-and-a-half-years after I had written that blog post in October of 2009. I didn’t have to wonder anymore. The trust had come back. And it was an exhilarating feeling.
I remember the “aha moment” very clearly. My wife and I were going away for the weekend and needed somebody to take care of our three cats. My mother is usually our go-to person for that task, but she had a lot on her plate that weekend and I didn’t want to add to it. So I asked my son if he and his girlfriend wanted to stay at our house for the weekend and take care of the cats.
My wife and I discussed the idea beforehand and decided that we were finally ready to trust our son again. My son agreed to watch the cats and spent the weekend at our house. The whole time my wife and I were gone, we didn’t worry at all about our son being in our house while we were away. That felt strange to me, but at the same time it was so beautiful and such a relief.
I could trust my son again. Wow.
If you’re the parent or loved one of someone dealing with addiction, or if you love someone in recovery, please know that not trusting that person is a completely normal feeling. Addicts are master manipulators and can pull a fast one on even the most intelligent people. I’m sure you’ve been a victim more than once. (Probably hundreds of times, right?) Regardless, know that, in time, your trust in your loved one can return.
Ernest Hemingway once said, “The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.” That may be a bit simplistic, but it also makes sense. Don’t completely write off your trust in your loved one. Don’t be afraid to trust again. But give yourself time for the trust to germinate and grow.
Here’s hoping you can have an “aha moment” like I did.
If you are in recovery, or if you have a loved one who is in recovery, please consider sharing your story on the Heroes in Recovery website. By sharing, you can do your part to help BREAK THE STIGMA.
You can share your story in one of two ways:
1.) Go to the Heroes in Recovery page, share your story directly, and let them know Dean sent you.
2.) Contact me on Facebook (Dean Dauphinais) and I can help you through the process. Or we can talk on the phone and I can help you write your story.
Also, please feel free to share this blog or leave a comment below. I’d love to hear any feedback you might have.
Peace.
–Dean