- Alcohol
- Faith
- Friends & Family
When I was young, I didn’t feel like I really fit in. I got picked on a bit when I was younger, but by the time I was eight or nine, I was bigger than everyone else. Around the age of 12 or 13, I got drunk for the first time and I loved finding a substance that could change the way that I felt. It gave me a sense of ease and comfort. I started using it at every available opportunity and made a lot of close friends. When I was 17 or 18, I really enjoyed drinking and using and fell in with a really rough crowd of guys. We were all using tons of drugs together, and that rough crowd suggested that I go to a 12-step meeting, saying that I wasn’t doing “it” right. Most folks would go to sleep at 2 or 3am, and I was ready to pack the car and head to Memphis or New Orleans.
In 1989, at 18 years old, I went to my first meeting. I didn’t really look at alcohol as a drug at that time; alcohol is so prevalent. I knew something wasn’t right with me though. I made the decision to go to college and started studying psychology because I was too proud to ask for help, and I thought that I could fix it myself.
Prior to graduating with a psychology degree, I got arrested on my way to the gambling boats in Mississippi. They gave me the option of going to prison or going to treatment. Given the amount of time they wanted to give me in prison, I chose treatment. I went to treatment, got out and followed directions for the court system. I got married and had two children during that time of sobriety, but the day that I was released from their court process, I got loaded.
I was bound and determined that no one was going to tell me what to do. By that point, I was starting to have consequences…not only legally, but within my marriage. We ended up divorcing after six years. In all of the dysfunctional behavior, consequences and misery, I was too proud to ask for help. There’s a huge stigma with any type of behavioral health issue in Mississippi, it’s really just kind of swept under the rug. My mother did the best she could, but the phrase “loving you to death” comes to mind. I think that phrase was coined for mothers that love their children so much that they enable them to death. I don’t know how many doctors she sent me to trying to find a formula that would allow me to drink like a gentleman. Nothing seemed to work.
I found a sufficient bottom over the period of about a year of coming to and having no drugs or money left. Just about every day that I woke up during that year, I would swear it off for good, but by noon I was drinking and finding a way to get my next fix. Ultimately I got the courage to ask for help. I’m not proud of this and I’m not trying to be dramatic, but I was at the jumping off place. I really didn’t think it would work for me; I had terminal uniqueness. As a last-ditch effort, I recalled the things that I learned in treatment. I thought to myself that I should try the tools that they had given to me in treatment, such as going to a meeting, getting a sponsor, working the steps and following directions.
I have been sober today by the grace of God and good sponsorship since Tuesday, August 16, 2005. What it took for me was to become willing to follow directions even when I didn’t want to. I was reluctant to get a sponsor at first, but I ended up getting one anyway. He asked me a trick question: he said “are you willing to do whatever it takes to stay sober?” I told him that I was and he’s reminded me of that many times over the years. I had to do a lot of things I didn’t want to such as give people their money back and staying out of certain relationships. Life has gotten so much better. It’s not all rainbows and unicorns; I have my ups and downs, but I haven’t found it necessary to take a drink or a drug.
What does your self-care look like? What choices to you make that get you through the hard times?
I pray a lot and I talk to my sponsor. I’ve done just about everything wrong in sobriety that an individual could possibly do. But two things has been a constant, and that is asking God to keep me sober every morning and making sure that I keep no secrets from my sponsor.
At some point in sobriety we all have to decide if our sponsor’s experience is enough or if we are going to continue doing this our own way. I have proven to myself beyond a shadow of a doubt that my way doesn’t work. Only an alcoholic can come up with a solution that’s worse than the problem. Left to my own devices, I will do that every time. This has been a process for me. I first used it as I would a blank check…I would go out and create chaos, tell him afterward and expect him to help me clean it up.
Today, I thank God that I know better. Today, when I make major life decisions, I run it past him first. He helps me not to be so impulsive. He has a sponsor as well, and all of us have gone to treatment at one point or another. I was the type that, at certain times in my life, I needed to be removed from society in order to have a chance to act my way into right thinking.
There are lots of wonderful clinicians, counselors and therapists out there. We all have causes and conditions either due to genetics or our childhoods…I think 100% of the people alive today all had a childhood. It’s been my experience that about 1 in 10 of us process childhood differently. Some of us have been through some really grievous things, and there are professionals out there that are really good in dealing with trauma and talk therapy.
What is your profession now?
I work for a substance abuse and patient center in Mississippi. I was fortunate enough to work in the trenches as a counselor in drug court for 10 years. I really enjoy doing interventions and things of that nature. I make a better sponsor and short-term interventionist as opposed to working on the causes and conditions in long-term counseling.
The way that it was put to me was that I care more about my actions than my feelings as well as that of those with whom I work. I believe that happiness is a byproduct of right living. If we do the right thing even when we don’t want to, and ask God for the power to stay sober, there’s a chance that we might receive the gift of joy. It’s been my experience that it’s something you can’t buy or find in a bottle or a bag. Joy is a gift. Today I do outreach. I visit with clinicians that have clients in the facility, maintain relations and every once in a while, do an intervention. I really just like watching it unfold and enjoying life.
What is your relationship like with your children and your family?
My ex-wife is a saint; she really did everything she could to help me. Ultimately, her divorcing me was part of the process of saving my life. I had blinders on. Everybody was wrong and I was right. I could stop when I wanted. It’s a legitimately a scary place when you want to stop and you can’t. I reached that point in active addiction where it was absolutely no fun anymore. I just couldn’t stop, and my ex-wife helped me find that bottom by leaving me because of my active addiction.
As far as my children, I have an 18-year-old son that is in college on a full academic scholarship and a 15-year-old daughter. I have been sober since they were eight and five. I did a lot of things that I regret. There were times when I had them on the weekend that I was loaded. There are a lot of things that I don’t share very often, but they are things that I truly regret. They are well aware of my addiction. My son actually did his school thesis on my life story: a journey from addiction to recovery. They are busy and have their own lives and agendas, so I don’t see them as frequently as I would like to, but we are very close. I see them a few times a month. As far as an amends process with my sweet mother, four sisters and older brother, it’s a living amends. There’s no magic word, formula or dollar amount that can compare to the love and compassion that they treated me with.
I’m dating an extremely nice young lady that is a CPA. She shows no signs of borderline personality disorder, and she has never even seen a marijuana cigarette a day in her life. She’s a runner…and in my experience, all of us long distance runners have SOME type of issues, but she is a blessing and I’m very grateful for her. We are very close.
For someone who is struggling now, wondering what to do, what words of encouragement would you have for them?
Each individual that’s struggling is on a case by case basis. Health care is really behind on treating substance abuse and mental health. While there is help and resources for everyone, they are extremely difficult to put into action. I would say to start with a physician, priest, or 12-step meetings. It really depends on where they are with their struggle. If it’s life threatening and they are playing with death by say, mixing IV drugs, then I would get them into a hospital regardless of the financial situation. There are ways to get people in to detox. If it’s an option at all to go to treatment and take a break from life, it’s a wonderful experience.
My main suggestion would be to get with an individual of the same sex that is sober and can show you what to do, and then follow that person’s directions even if you don’t want to. I would definitely suggest 90 meetings in 90 days and get plugged in…the fellowship is amazing. At the end of the day, it is all about seeking God for the strength to stay sober one more day.