Guest Blogger: Susanne from IL
Asking for help There were things that tried to kill me, such as the alcohol and different drugs. I almost let it happen without defense. But there was one more powerful obstacle in my life that finally brought me to the hospital and made me stop breathing and my heart stop beating. It was the fear of asking for help! Was it fear? Or was it stubbornness, arrogance, pride, shame or guilt? Or maybe all of this combined? The way I was raised taught me that I have to do things on my own, know things, do things myself, don’t share knowledge and don’t ask for help. I would not even ask in a store where an item may be. I would try to find it myself. My arrogance would always make me believe that I knew things better than anybody else. My parents pushed me to be a winner and made me competitive. Being second place is being the first loser. A person asking for help is helpless. I did not want to be a loser nor helpless. I was lucky to receive the miracle of life again and was rescued in the hospital. They brought me back to life. I finally picked up the phone, called a hotline and told the unknown person at the other end my story, my problems, my fears and how helpless I am. I reached out for help and I got help. It was a day I remember as one of the hardest days in my life. But I received the help that I needed and was sent to treatment, which was the only way to escape this life of addiction. These people took my beloved bottle away from me and showed me a new lifestyle. I used to be afraid of them and everything they told me to do. I needed change to survive but at the same time I didn’t want it. Change scared me, people scared me, and help scared me. I couldn’t understand that people would help me without wanting anything in return. I thought that the price would be a life without laughter, without joy and without happiness. I was wrong. During treatment I found out, probably for the first time in my life, that other people know more about my disease of addiction and alcoholism than I do and they have found recovery. Recovery was one thing that I was unable so far to reach in my life. It was hard to admit that I was powerless, helpless and unable to do something. I considered that to mean a lack of strength and personality. Admitting this was one of the hardest things to do for me in my life. I had to open up my thoughts, my life, my habits and my soul to total strangers and was very fearful of the vulnerability that came with it. I was crying for days during this time of my life. But tears of pain turned into tears of relief. I felt the relief that I finally could be weak and admit it. I thought that I was falling but now I know there are people to catch my fall with love and passion. I found out that I was treated with total respect and professionalism. I noticed that I was not alone. All people around me had nearly the same problem or worse. I was afraid that these people might hurt my feelings once they knew my past and my weakness, but they gave me comfort and support. We did not fight against each other in treatment. We helped each other. It was a truly new experience for me. As I noticed this unexpected behavior of my newly found soul mates, counselors and therapists, I had to cry again. But this time, I didn’t cry out of fear. I cried because I asked myself, “why didn’t I take this step years earlier? Why did I wait so long? Why did I almost have to lose my life over drugs and alcohol and being too proud to ask for help? Today, I am proud to ask others for help and I am proud to be able to help others as well, as long as they reach out and ask. Please don’t make the same mistake that I did. Don’t wait so long to ask for help. The waiting almost killed me. I accept now that I am a human being and I’m not always perfect. I ask for help if I need it and I have learned to be proud of it. There are so many helping hands in this world. Sometimes, all we need to do is overcome our fear and grab one of those hands. It might be the one that catches your fall and takes you to a place you have never been, full of beauty, mountaintop views, true happiness, perspectives you could not imagine and the inner peace of life. I found this place now.