Walk with Faith
In life we are faced with many trials and tribulations. There are many ups and downs. Some days we hope that life keeps going our way, and other days you might say to yourself, “Why is this happening to me?”
I grew up Irish Catholic. We went to church every Sunday, and I went to Catholic school. The only thing I remember was the 45-minute mass seemed to be 5 hours. I hated going. I was taught that God was a punishing God (or at least that is how I perceived him). Instead of going my friends and I would smoke weed and drink under the bridge down the street. That’s how much respect I had for my faith and religion. I had no idea what it meant to have faith or even what faith was. As I struggled early on in life with addiction, anxiety and depression, I would often ask why. I suffered some pretty traumatic things when I was younger and didn’t understand why God would do this to someone especially a young girl. I was very angry and would often tell my mother I hated God when we would fight because I knew it upset her. I didn’t care.
The first time I attended a 12-step meeting I saw the word God everywhere. It honestly didn’t bother me, but it also didn’t mean anything. People replaced God with “higher power” and would talk about what that meant to them, and it usually wasn’t about religion. For five years I struggled to stay out of treatment and out of trouble. Towards the end I really didn’t want to be living the way I was. I didn’t know what was keeping me from getting better.
I sat in another dingy rehab one night, and there were three Hispanic guys there covered in tattoos from head to toe. They had done some serious time in jail. On the outside we had nothing in common, but on the inside we were the same. As they told their stories, I saw a common theme. They all talked about God and having faith. They said if you honestly seek God, He will show Himself to you. For some reason their stories hit me hard. That night I got down on my knees and honestly asked for help. There was no white-light experience, but that night, at 20 days clean, I slept through the night. From that point on, I don’t know what happened. I don’t know why I stuck it through, but I did. I went through the motions and continued to further treatment. I made terrible decisions but never picked up no matter what. When times were tough and I felt as if I wanted to give up, I would just tell myself, “This experience right now is happening for a reason. The uncomfortable feelings will pass, and I will come out on the other side.” I know I am where I am because of my higher power and the people He put in my life. There are days when I completely run on my own emotions and conceptions, and those are usually my bad days. I’m aware of that today.
Last year I really wanted to get something to symbolize my recovery and the way I was living. I decided to get a tattoo on my foot that reads, “Walk with faith.” It’s a constant reminder to me to just keep going and know that everything is going to be okay as long as I stay sober. It’s one of the most meaningful things I have. People ask me all the time, “What was different this time? Why have you stayed sober?” It’s a hard question to answer. I do know that in the most difficult times of my sobriety, when I just didn’t want to feel and didn’t care about losing everything I worked so hard for, God stepped in somehow. My higher power has always been there. I just didn’t want to accept whatever His plan was. I now know and recognize that life is a lot better and easier knowing there’s a purpose for everything I’ve been through and go through. A favorite quote of mine that sums up what I think about my faith is, “Religion is for people trying to stay out of Hell. Spirituality is for people who have already been there.” We all have our own cross to carry. Mine is a lot lighter knowing I have someone with me all the time to help.
Do you have a power greater than yourself? If so when do you feel closest to it?
Do you have people in your life who you know God put on your path for a reason?