Looking back on the year 2014 I can see areas in which I grew and some that I digressed. I’m trying to use that as a gauge to better my year. Two of my huge goals I set were to run the Boston Marathon, which I did complete, and to get into college, which I did. I tend to get hung up on all the things I want to finish that I don’t even enjoy the time that leads up to it. I look back and see that staying in the moment and enjoying every step that I take is something I do not do. Since I do that even when I complete a task or a goal I am not fully satisfied with myself.
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A lot of outsiders look at addiction as a choice. They look at it to be something that is controlled by willpower. I find it very funny when people say this to me. Clearly there is something not right in a person’s mind if they know that if they do this certain thing they could die instantly.
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Early on in my sobriety I was completely immersed in the recovery world. I would feel like I was 40 years old when I was really 18. I was scared that in order to live I was going to have to sit in church basements and listen to old guys talk about the war. I was scared that I wasn’t going to laugh or meet people my age.
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The longer we stay sober the better our lives get. It doesn’t mean everything goes smoothly or our way but we do learn how to deal with it. Heidi said on the phone that everything we go through is another opportunity in which we get to experience growth. How true that has been for me. My reason for bringing up looking through my stuff was not to brag but just as another reminder as to how far I have come.
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I have come to realize that all of this is a part of life. When things get hard it’s just another chance for me to prove myself wrong. That’s been one of the most beautiful things sobriety has given me, the chance to prove myself wrong.
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The first time I attended a 12-step meeting I saw the word God everywhere. It honestly didn’t bother me, but it also didn’t mean anything. People replaced God with “higher power” and would talk about what that meant to them, and it usually wasn’t about religion. For five years I struggled to stay out of treatment and out of trouble. Towards the end I really didn’t want to be living the way I was. I didn’t know what was keeping me from getting better.
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