Love, Thanks, and Incredible Hugs
A few days ago I was going through some posts in my Facebook News Feed when one in particular caught my eye.
The post was from a young man who was about to celebrate five months of recovery and was wondering how to reach out to his mother to tell her he was sorry for everything he’d put her through. Simply calling her, or going to see her, and saying, “I’m sorry” probably wouldn’t work, this young man stated. It seems he’d said, “I’m sorry” many times before over the years and he felt the words wouldn’t have much meaning to his mom this time around.
This all got me thinking about my own situation.
My son’s addiction took its toll on me—and my entire family—for about seven years. In addition to the general fallout from his addiction, there were dozens of specific incidents over the years that really tested me as a parent. I was the “poster child” for that whole “whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” thing. To be totally honest, sometimes I would wonder to myself if I’d ever be able to forgive my son for some of his actions.
But, eventually, I did.
My son had short periods of sobriety from time to time, but they never lasted. So when he got clean and sober in July of 2012, I was (very) cautiously optimistic. Then months went by, and the months turned into a year. I was finally convinced that my son was serious about recovery this time around, and that he had the tools he needed to stay on the right path.
After a year of sobriety, I began to actually trust my son again. That was such a huge step in my own recovery process; one I wasn’t sure would ever come.
During my son’s ordeal, I educated myself about addiction by reading countless books and articles. I came to understand that those actions I thought I might hold against my son forever weren’t the actions of a normal person. They were the actions of someone afflicted with a horrible disease.
Addiction is a brain disease and it makes people do some crazy things. Things they wouldn’t normally do. When this finally clicked with me, it became much easier to forgive my son and let go of those events of the past. I no longer had to carry them around with me and let them eat away at me.
As far as my son apologizing to me goes, he used to say, “I’m sorry” to me quite often. And like the young man on Facebook’s mother, I became anesthetized to those two words. I’d hear them so many times, but each time something would happen soon after to make me feel like my son was just paying me lip service.
Things changed after that one-year anniversary, though. When I realized my son was committed to recovery, his apologies no longer fell on deaf ears. I could sense that he was sincere. And it warmed my heart.
Hearing “I’m sorry” from my son was awesome, but there are three other things that I cherish even more than those two words:
1.) Hearing my son tell me, “I love you.”
2.) Hearing my son tell me, “Thank you.”
3.) The hugs I get from my son these days.
It’s hard to describe, but every time my son tells me “I love you” or “Thank you,” it has such an enormous impact on me. I can tell that he means it from the bottom of his heart, and it makes me feel like he truly appreciates everything my wife and I did for him over the years; and that he’s grateful we never gave up on him.
And about those hugs… As I told the young man on Facebook, the hugs I get from my son now mean more to me than the hugs I got from him when he was a little kid. His hugs today are so full of love and gratitude. Every time I get one of those incredible hugs from my 24-year-old “boy,” I get a bit teary-eyed and say a little prayer of thanks to my higher power.
I told that young man on Facebook to go see his mother, tell her “I love you” and “Thank you,” and—most importantly—give her a big hug.
“Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don’t give up.” –Anne Lamott
If you are in recovery, or if you have a loved one who is in recovery, please consider sharing your story on the Heroes in Recovery website. By sharing, you can do your part to help BREAK THE STIGMA.
You can share your story in one of two ways:
1.) Go to the Heroes in Recovery page, share your story directly, and let them know Dean sent you.
2.) Contact me on Facebook (Dean Dauphinais) and I can help you through the process. Or we can talk on the phone and I can help you write your story.
Also, please feel free to share this blog or leave a comment below. I’d love to hear any feedback you might have.
Peace.
–Dean