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Affair of the Heart

Margaret Phillips
| July 18, 2016

If you are an alcoholic and addict like me then you’ll understand what I mean when I say our vices truly are an affair of the heart. They are also an affair of the mind, body, and soul. It’s a fatal attraction like no other. In my recovery journey, I’ve been very fortunate to have crossed paths with some amazing people. One in particular is a Rick Springfield fan from way back. It was through a conversation with her that incorporating one of his songs into my next blog topic was right on point with what I wanted to talk about.

Music has always played a huge part in my life, but never as much as in recovery. One of my favorite songs by Rick is entitled “Affair of the Heart.” It was obviously written more about a physical relationship and not about the struggles of addiction. However, the great thing about music is the lyrics can speak to you wherever you are and in whatever space you’re in.

One line from Rick’s song says, “don’t try to tell me you think it’s all physical. It goes much deeper than that.” Most of society believes that if you just put down the physical drink or drug you’ll be ok. It’s not that simple. If it was we all would have done that long ago. The disease of addiction really does go much deeper than that. We drink or use drugs to hide any number of things from deep seeded hurts or resentments, to fears that control our every move. It’s a great mask until it’s removed and we are left raw and exposed. Then it comes time to deal with the real issues.

It’s scary to think we are going to open up old wounds or face emotions we aren’t comfortable with. The blessing in this journey is that you don’t have to go through it alone. Even when the thoughts creep back into my head on occasion, I have a mental defense against them today that I didn’t have before. Those thoughts don’t carry any power over me like they used to. The disease likes to play head games with us and has the patience of Job. A verse in “Affair of the Heart” speaks perfectly to this mind game: “and you got the power. It amazes me still how you play my emotions with consummate skill.” If we think for a minute we’ve ‘won’ the battle we are doomed to repeat the old behaviors and fall back into the fatal affair.

The infatuation we have with our vices can become deadly very quickly. For me I just could never get enough. I couldn’t drink enough, I couldn’t use enough, and I couldn’t get high enough. Nothing was ever enough. I kept searching for this made up utopia that I thought I could find by doing more and more. In reality the best utopia I’ve found has come to me by living in recovery. Trying to fight off the urge to get “enough” was futile as I had no mental defense against the attraction and infatuation with something that ultimately would kill me.

There are lyrics in another song that really speak to me by Apocalyptica entitled “Not Strong Enough.” In the same context as an “Affair of the Heart” this song talks more about a physical relationship, but when I hear the song I’m thinking of the twisted and sick relationship I had with drugs and alcohol. It is definitely a relationship I don’t want to be in today. There is insanity in knowing the pain that will come and not having the ability to walk away.

I’m not strong enough to stay away.

Can’t run from you

I just run back to you.

Like a moth I’m drawn into your flame,

Say my name, but it’s not the same.

You look in my eyes, I’m stripped of my pride.

And my soul surrenders, and you bring my heart to its knees.

[Chorus:]

And it’s killing me when you’re away, I wanna leave and I wanna stay.

And I’m so confused, so hard to choose.

Between the pleasure and the pain.

And I know it’s wrong, and I know it’s right.

Even if I try to win the fight, my heart would overrule my mind.

And I’m not strong enough to stay away

The adrenaline rush that used to come with drinking and drugging always clouded my ability to see the consequences. I would choose instant pleasure over long-term pain every single time. I could always use or drink more the next day to make everything better. Or at least make me forget. A sick and twisted affair that took over every aspect of my life. It was a never ending battle I would ultimately lose – and thank God for that!

Whenever I get asked by someone if I think they have problem with drinking I always point to the fact that it isn’t about how much you drink, what you drink, or when you drink. It really comes down to what it does to you on the inside. Are you in the grips of a deadly affair from which you can’t escape? Does the affair take control of your thoughts throughout the day? If given the opportunity would you run to the affair at a moment’s notice with total disregard for consequences?

It is a very frightening place to be, but when you take that first step and admit you need help you’ve just done the single most important step in this journey. From that point forward you are given tools for recovery and become a part of a community where everyone has been where you’ve been. That community is truly unique and one you can count on every single day going forward. We are all brothers and sisters in recovery trying to help another who is still suffering.

Straight from the heart,

Margaret

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