What If A Friend Relapses?
A friend in our recovery program can be the closest person to us in our current life. These friends understand us, they are honest with us, and they share their deepest feelings with us. They can be our sponsor, our sponsee, a friend from the treatment center, or just somebody we met during our journey. It was maybe somebody who walked with us, when others walked away. Some may have the same sobriety stage we have or they could be our ultimate idol living the life we wish to reach. But they are not bulletproof, each one can relapse at any time and if it happens to a close friend the world seems to crash for us. Everything you have done together about the addiction seems to be in vain and a cloud burst over your head into raindrops falling on you.
This is a tragic situation, but not the end of the sobriety world. It is more important than ever now to remember exactly why we got sober in the first part. We did not do it for this friend or a friendship we want to find, we did it for ourselves and we need to take care of us now more than ever.
If it was your sponsor, you need to find a new one quickly. Look around, maybe the special person is already waiting for you. Don’t compare, see the enrichment a new sponsor can give you.
Of course it is hard to see somebody returning to the dark, giving up the smile for no understandable reason. We were so sure that this will last, our friendship will last, our sobriety is stable, and we are together. If your spouse who is relapsing, than it is even worse. You may ask, “Why did they choose the drugs over our friendship, or even relationship? They know that I can’t be around when someone is using!” The impression might occur that our friendship was not as important for our friend as it was for us. But be ensured that the relapse has nothing to do with the friendship, and the actual reason might never surface or will get treated later. For now we have to take certain steps to protect our own sobriety.
Most important: No friend is worth giving up our new found freedom from drugs or alcohol just to be with them. You would not jump from the same bridge with them, wouldn’t you? We need to keep our sobriety as the highest priority. Bring your friend up back to you, but don’t go down to your friend. Give support into the light, don’t follow into the dark. But how do you do that?
Boundaries are very important. Make them, set them in writing and hold onto them. Do not cross them, it is not worth it. The addict’s relapse is not your problem. The addict has to fight it. You can be supportive up to a point, but you can’t fight it for the addict. Stand firm if the addict wants you to follow. He just doesn’t want to be alone in his battle. But since he created it, hold him accountable for it and tell him to solve it. Don’t make excuses for the addict and don’t jump on his excuses. Yes, a major surgery with painkillers involved was a great trigger and we don’t blame anybody, but it’s still not an excuse. Your purpose and mission is to take care of yourself first. Take a step back. Look at it from outside. And don’t give your friend money or a place to stay while using.
What you can do is encourage and motivate the addict to give it a new start. Suggest to go to a counselor specialized in addiction or at least talk to his sponsor or yours. You can suggest for him to go back to treatment to get a refresher and even offer to make some phone calls with him, if he wishes to go in this direction. You can guide, but you can’t push. A return to the treatment place or choosing a different one is often the move that is needed. An addiction counselor or therapist can be helpful to determine the level of care that might be appropriate. Sometimes there is a need to increase the level of care or the duration, but not necessary always.
If the addict is just newly clean and sober and had an intervention, you can contact his interventionist and describe your concerns. He may be willing to help you, especially if you were already in the addict’s support network during the intervention.
Phone calls while the addict is drunk or high are worthless. You talk to the addiction, not the person. Chances are that he doesn’t even remember what you told him anyway. It is a waste of time. If you know he is drunk or high, just friendly but firmly tell him that this conversation doesn’t seem to lead anywhere and that you prefer to speak to him clean and sober. Ask nicely that you speak again when he is clear. Do not visit the addict by yourself while he is using or drinking. The danger is that he will pull you down to his level. If there is any need to go to the addict’s place to pick up things up or something similar, take another person in recovery with you for your safety.
If the addict feels guilty about the relapse, that’s okay. It may speed up the process for him to get help again. But if they don’t see any guilt in their behavior, it won’t do anybody good to force it on them. Don’t whine about your friendship, that won’t change the situation at all. But it is important to work as a role model. Be an example for a good life in recovery, be active, live a healthy lifestyle, go to meetings, and invite the addict to join you. That gives a motivation to come back up to your level of happiness in sobriety instead of clinging on the despair in addiction. Be optimistic that your friend will make it back to sobriety and show your optimism instead of questioning the outcome. Remember that an addict will seek help if he wants what you have.
Experience shows that during years of recovery we see many leaving us and going back out. Some make it back, others don’t. Some need a day, others need years. Some end in death and others survive. But somebody who has the support of family and friends in this situation has a greater chance to re-recover. There are many, many addicts that don’t make it on their first attempt. Do not be discouraged if your friend is one of them. His relapse has nothing to do with you and you can help best with encouragement from a healthy distance. If he doesn’t make it back to the bright side, please let go. Remember: Sometimes we have to let go of what’s killing us, even if it’s killing us to let go.
Have you had a good friend relapse while you were in sobriety? Please write in the comments below how you handled the situation and if your friend made it back.
If you like to write it as a more detailed story, we would be glad to post it in our ‘Heroic Stories’. Just send it to my email: susuegypt@hotmail.com. We would love to celebrate your friendship in sobriety with you. Your stories of recovery are all welcome. We can learn from each other and we are not alone. There is someone waiting to read exactly what happened to you and how you managed to get through it.
Recovery is beautiful! Live it, lean it, love it…don’t make it complicated.
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Susanne Johnson