- Alcohol
- Faith
- Friends & Family
Submitted by: Susanne Johnson
Hello. My name is Katie. I am 29 years old and I’m on the road to recovery. Not even four years ago, I had the world in my hands. I had graduated college, landed the “perfect” job, and was in love for the first time. I had everything going for me.
Yes, I would drink but only socially. Back then, I was able to have a glass of wine and move on. It wasn’t until I lost my job in January 2013, along with my self-confidence, after only two months of employment. Still, I hadn’t lost control over my drinking. I was just too upset over the loss of this great job to worry about anything else. Yes, I began to drink more every night but not enough to lose control. When I lost this amazing opportunity to further my career, I felt like a failure.
I felt like I did something wrong when it wasn’t about my work performance at all. I simply did not fit what the job required, according to my supervisor. I don’t take disappointment well; I never have. After the initial shock of losing my job, and not being able to find any work for a month or so, I began to drink more and more. So much to the point that my boyfriend noticed and became concerned for me.
I stopped enjoying my passion for painting. The one talent I have where I can escape from reality. I found a bottle of wine or two to be an even better way to escape how I felt. In the back of my mind, I knew this to be a wrong choice to deal with life’s problems. Still though, I told myself, “I’ll never have a problem, I’m not using alcohol to hide, I’m not using it to not feel. I won’t lose everything I hold dear to me because of my excess drinking habit.” Wrong.
At 26 years old, I did lose everything. Everything except my life and the support of my family. Wait… I did lose my life. The self-confident, go-getter woman I became, died. I did that. I killed her. My boyfriend of five years left me because he simply did not know what to do, or how to help. After he left, I went down an even deeper self-destructive path. Not only was I drinking every day and night, I went into dark depression from which I saw no way out. I didn’t have energy. I couldn’t cry. I couldn’t feel pain anymore. Somewhere in my mind, I thought that was weird. I thought, “How come I don’t feel anymore?”
So, one evening after drinking an expensive bottle of wine I began to slice my arms open. To bleed. To feel. I hid the cutting for as long as I could until one day I sliced my arm so deep I had to have stitches. I wasn’t suicidal, and I’m still not. I just wanted to feel something. Anything! Needless to say, I don’t cut myself anymore. I have the battle scars to prove my journey through alcoholism and depression though. They aren’t pretty, but they’re real and helps me remember what I’ve put my body through mentally and physically.
I’ve been sober since May 15, 2015. It was by the grace of God that I am alive today. After a car accident, a few broken ribs and broken shoulder, among other injuries, the accident opened my eyes that I literally could have died. All because I decided to feel overconfident and get behind the wheel of my car.
I’ve never felt more alive today than I did when I was in a relationship with alcohol. I know I’ll never be able to get the woman back I used to be four years ago, but I’m learning to be happy with who I am today. Not yesterday, and not tomorrow. Just for today. With the strength God blesses me with every day, I have been able to get back into my art, and now I have the opportunity to showcase a few pieces of my work in a local art gallery. When I was heavy in my drinking, having this opportunity would not have been possible because I simply wouldn’t have cared.
It’s not going to be easy. The anxiety and even the craving will still be with me, but if I keep my promise to myself to do one second, one minute, one hour, one day at a time, then the fear of picking up another drink will be just a distant memory.