Unconditional Love: A Powerful Tool for Parents
Unconditional love is probably the greatest gift a human being can receive. As we go through life, we’re lucky if we can find a handful of people who love us unconditionally. People who love us without any limits or conditions. People who love us regardless of what circumstances enter the picture or what changes we undergo. People like our parents.
For the vast majority of us, our parents are our first encounter with unconditional love. Growing up we learn that our mother and father love us and are there for us; and that they will likely be there for us, supporting and loving us, for as long as they live. It’s one of the comforts of childhood, isn’t it? Knowing that even if we screw up from time to time, our parents’ love for us will never wane. Sure, accidentally hitting that baseball through the living room window may have sent our parents into a temporary rage, but in the end they still loved us.
As parents, when our children are born we become providers of unconditional love. It’s one of the qualifications listed in the job description for “Parent” (or at least it should be). We give life to a new human being and are responsible for their well-being. We know that our child won’t be perfect, but we also know that we will love them no matter what.
But years later, if that child “graduates” from the typical mischievous things children do and becomes wrapped up in the world of drug addiction, parents can find themselves tested beyond anything they ever imagined. Parents often times are catapulted into a living hell when their child becomes addicted. Their lives are turned upside down in many ways: emotionally, physically, and financially. Often times, their child’s addiction becomes their own addiction and that can be debilitating for the entire family.
All this begs the question: As a parent, can you possibly go against everything human nature tells you and actually stop loving your addicted child, even if it’s only temporary? As ridiculous as that may sound to some, I think some parents believe it can—and does—happen.
I’m not sure many parents would admit that they ever felt like they stopped loving their child. It’s not exactly something to be proud of, and to say such a thing would likely make people wonder if you were even suitable to be a parent. But when you’re child is in the throes of addiction, you don’t always think rationally. You get caught up in the pain and suffering—both theirs and yours—and wonder why this is happening to your child and your family. The human mind is complicated, and it often wanders whether we want it to or not. And sometimes it goes places we would rather it didn’t.
Consider this passage from the book Addict in the Family: Stories of Loss, Hope, and Recovery by Beverly Conyers (which is, by the way, a book you should definitely read if you haven’t already):
“Some family members admit to harboring a secret wish that the addict would die. ‘At least I could mourn him and get on with my life,’ they may reason. ‘She’s not really living anyway. God might as well take her so I can stop worrying,’ they say. ‘Don’t I deserve a little peace of mind before I die?’
“Such sentiments are indicative of the deep suffering that many families of addicts experience. A sense of hopelessness arises when every conceivable effort to save the addict has failed. When families have given everything they have to give, and when the only result seems to be endless unhappiness, they may long for an escape no matter what the cost.”
Those are powerful words. Wishing secretly that your addict child would die? Anyone who hasn’t directly experienced a loved one’s addiction would find that thought ludicrous. But, in reality, parents of addicts think ludicrous things sometimes. These thoughts stem from pain, fear, and hopelessness. As I said before, the mind wanders frequently when you are struggling. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.
Now, back to unconditional love.
If you’re the parent of an addict, you’ve likely thought some horrible things about your child. You’ve probably said some terrible, hateful things to your child, too. I know I did. And I’m not proud of it. But we have to realize that what we hate is actually the disease—not our child.
There’s a wise saying out there that goes “Hate the disease, not the person.” Amen (and then some). If our children had diabetes, cancer, heart disease, or cystic fibrosis, we would never hold that over their heads and think or say horrible things about them. Addiction is no different. But with the stigma that’s still attached to this disease, it’s easy to lose sight of that fact.
If by chance having an addicted child in your family is a relatively new experience for you, don’t beat yourself up for thinking things that may seem unconscionable. Trust me: It’s a natural thing. But remember that your child has a disease, and that doesn’t make them any less worthy of your love. Your unconditional love.
As a parent, your unconditional love is one of the most powerful tools—if not the most powerful tool—you have to help heal your addicted child. By loving them unconditionally, you are letting them know that you won’t give up hope and that they are always in your heart.
My younger son has something he says to me, my wife, and his older brother (who has now been in recovery for more than two years) on a regular basis:
“I love you. Forever and ever. No matter what.”
That’s what it’s all about.
If you are in recovery, or if you have a loved one who is in recovery, please consider sharing your story on the Heroes in Recovery website. By sharing, you can do your part to help BREAK THE STIGMA.
You can share your story in one of two ways:
1.) Go to the Heroes in Recovery page, share your story directly, and let them know Dean sent you.
2.) Contact me on Facebook (Dean Dauphinais) and I can help you through the process. Or we can talk on the phone and I can help you write your story.
Also, please feel free to share this blog or leave a comment below. I’d love to hear any feedback you might have.
Peace.
–Dean