I Want That Twinkle in Your Eyes!
As I came first to the rooms of a 12 step meeting I heard, “If you want what we have…” What? My half working brain at this time did a full somersault and the leftovers of my brain cells stomped with their feet on the ground. No way do I want what you have! My first encounter with those people in recovery (as I was just barely abstinent) turned me off like nothing else. I looked around and saw people sipping coffee with shaking hands and staring holes in the dirty floor. Not that my hands were not shaking, I couldn’t even use make up, because every attempt of eyeliner would have cost me probably my eyesight from poking myself, but somehow I had no desire to have anything they had. I saw insecurities, shame, guilt, tears, fear, anxiety…all of that I had already plenty myself, I did not need another load.
I heard stories from people’s career of 20 years of parole time, 18 DUI’s, multiple possession charges and loss of every material thing possible. I had not been arrested in my life and had the fortune that I haven’t lost it all in my life. I saw crying people who grieve lost relationships, but I was still married. And here is that top class treatment center with swimming pool and yoga sending me to a meeting to let me know that I should agree to get, “What they have?” Oh my. That took me a week or so to get over. My internal answer was clear: No thanks, I have no desire to have anything that you got. Keep it!
But meetings were mandatory and I kept going, not alone because of the delicious chocolate cake they had at the meetings at most of the days while our treatment center kept us on a well-balanced candy, cake and pie free diet. I must admit that it was sometimes funny to be there. Some of the speakers could really talk interesting about their past. I became a specialist in drug admissions of all kinds and could have maybe passed the graduation test to become a pharmacist after a couple weeks. I understood what a sponsor means…somewhat. I was wondering who came to the bright idea, that any of the ex-dealers, felons, multiple-divorcee and jobless people should become a person who would tell ME (can I type that bigger? My ego was a lot bigger than the letters here) how I should live? Impossible! And said in every meeting, “If you want what we have…” Hmmm. Excuse me, we already agreed that I won’t.
I read parts of the book the first time. My first thought was the book was outdated. How can anybody base my healing process on such antique information? I was certain, that modern medicine must have newer insights by now and put the book aside waiting for the updated edition. My computer is outdated after a couple years, this book had decades on his binder. What comes next? Egyptian papyrus rolls and their knowledge on how to safe my priceless, precious life? I thought for a while I was in a wrong movie.
“Hang in there,” I thought, “If you manage to stay 30 days sober it’s a great vacation for your liver. Take it!” I didn’t want what they had, for sure not that coffee that tasted worse than dishwater from a century ago. I didn’t want phone numbers either. Why would you believe that I call you? To get arrested with you next time?
Yes, that was me during my first few meetings. But as I said meetings were mandatory and I continued to go. I laughed about the speakers, not with them or about myself. I was only happy to leave the treatment center for a brief time. I was still within four walls, but at least they were four different walls. Until I saw one day something that some people had and I did not when looking in the mirror: I saw an honest smile and that twinkle in somebodies eyes.
Now I had something I wanted. I wanted to have this twinkle, this joy in me that I saw in some people all of a sudden. I saw a spark of light and hope, joy and freedom. The more I paid attention to it I saw also love and compassion. I experienced a change: I wanted that twinkle in your eyes. I wanted to change from a person wearing a mask and seemingly free of any emotions to a human being that can express joy. From that day on I wanted to go to meetings and experienced a never felt before bond with everybody in the room. I could cry when telling my story and nobody judged me. I saw empathy in their eyes. I saw encouragement and motivation. These people in recovery have had discovered their gifts and let them shine.
My outlook changed by 180 degrees within a few weeks of going to meetings. I’m sure I’m not alone in the feelings I had during the first meetings of mine. Today I still cry sometimes in meetings, but usually it’s because I’m laughing tears of joy from my heart about something, not because I share my story. I am smiling today and I have that joy and happiness myself today in over four years of sobriety. The spark flew over to me and ignited my fire of recovery. I hope somebody sees it in me and says, “Yes, I want that twinkle in your eyes!” and keeps coming back until the miracle happens.
People are like stained glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within. – Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
Always be the twinkle and spark to someone, it can make a huge difference in somebody’s life.