Choosing to Live
Being part of the recovery community has many moments of celebration and happiness. We are able to mark certain milestones that most others will never have a chance to. Everyday sober is another accomplishment. Unfortunately, the down side of being in constant contact with many alcoholics and drug addicts is that you also have to deal with a lot of sadness. Relapse is a huge part of the program, especially lately it seems. At the age of 21 I have gone to more wakes and funerals than most people go to in their entire life. I have watched people pull themselves out of the darkness of addiction but, then fall back into its grip once again.
A lot of outsiders look at addiction as a choice. They look at it to be something that is controlled by willpower. I find it very funny when people say this to me. Clearly there is something not right in a person’s mind if they know that if they do this certain thing they could die instantly.
It seems like every time I open my Facebook page I hear about another person passing away. You pause and think how sad it is, and feel sympathy for their family, but you continue to scroll down your news feed. You start to become numb to the losses. Lately all of this has me thinking about my life and each decision that I’ve made throughout this journey. Sometimes I have survivor’s guilt. I wonder how come it was this person. They helped more people than I ever have. They seemed to have it together.
I’m very scattered about this topic because it hits home hard. Going to wakes and seeing mothers next to their child’s casket is a feeling I cannot adequately describe. Instantly the thought of my parents having to bury me comes to mind. I can’t imagine leaving my family and the ones who care about me with the type of pain I see on other parent’s faces. Addiction is a disease that affects everyone. I used to think that the addict was the one who suffered the most, but now being sober longer I see it’s the ones who are close to the addicts who have it bad.
On a brighter note, something that I have gotten to experience is seeing the love and compassion from others when we are dealing with a loss. People come together and support one another through the pain. It’s sad, but I do believe God takes one so that many can live.
While I was away recently a woman bought me and my friend lunch as a random act of kindness. She left us with the words pay it forward and LIVE LIFE. Her words stuck with me. We are all only here for a short time. I try to live my life to fullest and take advantage of every opportunity I am presented. Drugs and alcohol take that gift away. I hope that I continue and I hope that many others do as well to choose life.